Here we have come to the end of another year, or almost. 2016 bit the big one, big time. So many artists, musicians and celebrities have kicked the bucket. Alan Thicke just passed away last week, and even as I write this, Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) is in critical condition in an ICU after a massive heart attack. God DAMN it, 2016. Just how many sacrifices do you require before you're satisfied, you greedy Gus? So, to wrap an otherwise horrible year, let's look back at the good shows and how they ended up. Spoilers to follow, so if you want to catch up on these shows while they are on hiatus, then skip to the last paragraph of this post.
Let's start with Exorcist (which was on Friday nights, on some damn regular channel, 2, 4, 7, something). As we now know, this series picks up with Regan (the girl from the original Exorcist movie back in 1973), now an older married woman with kids of her own. After Pazuzu (the demon who possessed her back in the Exorcist) returns to posses Regan's daughter, a pair of Exorcists manage to rid the girl of the demon, only to discover the demon has moved into the now-adult Regan (played wonderfully by Geena Davis). A cult of demon-possessed demon-worshippers (whole barrels full of demons!) are planning to assassinate the Pope, and our heroic pair of plucky Exorcists somehow manage to not only save the Pope, but manage to exorcise the in-excorsizable demon Pazuzu from the body of Regan, who somehow manages to survive, but with a little bit of damage.
The Exorcist seemed to drag on for a few episodes, and I get that they need to expand the drama for a bit longer to get the required number of episodes, but in all, it was a good season. Geena Davis was a good choice to pull off the lead actress, the Exorcists were pretty decently cast, and the kids just did a bang-up job. Alan Ruck turned out to be pretty awesome, and I'm surprised I haven't seen him in more major roles since Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Am I looking forward to next season? You betcha! Hopefully they bring back Geena Davis, Alan Ruck and the gang, because they really anchor the show, but I'd hate to see that poor family go through any more hell than they already have.
Ash Vs Evil Dead (on Starz) ended badly, I think. After defeating Baal once, Ash went back in time to the "cabin in the woods" that started everything, to before the time he found the Necronomicon, to save Pablo, his little honduran buddy that he used to work with at S-Mart. If you've been watching, you know Baal possessed Pablo's dead body, was returned to life when Ash went back in time, and went for round 2 with Ash, only to lose again to El Jefe (Ash). Ash managed to save Pablo, but lost his Dad (played by Lee Majors) and his buddy (played by Ted Raimi, I think) and his sister (again). Season 2 ended with the whole town giving "Ashy Slashy" a celebration, and him getting back together with his high-school sweetheart.
Personally, I think season 1 was better, and I think the writing was better then, too. BUT, as long as Ash keeps killing the demons with such style and bad one-liners, I'm in! Can't wait for season 3, and I hope Lucy lawless comes back. She was great in Xena (she's probably sick and tired of hearing that, though I only saw the first 2 seasons of Xena) and I like her as Ruby, the demon who originally wrote the Necronomicon. I also think it was a mistake to kill off Ash's Dad, because Lee Majors is an awesome actor. Maybe they'll bring him back in Season 3.
Westworld (HBO) ended with a bang, as Dolores shot the park's co-creator, Dr. Ford (played by Anthony Hopkins) in the back of the head, just after he announced his retirement. Doubtless this is the beginning of some robot uprising, and humanity best watch it's back! This is the rootin-tootin, shootin old west! Even the Man in Black (who we now know, owns Westworld), took a bullet in the arm, and looked happy as a clam in butter sauce to finally be facing a real challenge, standing there bleeding. It seems the robot uprising has begun, but I guess we'll have to wait til season 2 to find out.
I gave up on Westworld, to be honest. I know they want it to be their next Game of Thrones and they sure are pouring the money into it, but it's just not doing it for me. They're trying to make it into another "Lost" but I hated Lost, and Westworld wasn't really that complicated. I think maybe the actors over-acted their parts, not in a bad way, but they were just so convincing as robots in a robot world, that I have absolutely no feeling for any of them. Maybe that makes me the same sort of asshole who would frequent a place like Westworld and kill off a few dozen robots just because i felt like firing my gun off a few times, but meh. They're robots. Why would I care? They're made to get shot.
Look, I play first-person shooters. I shoot the crap out of zombies, robots, dwarves, elves, dragons, and god-knows-what-else on a daily basis. If all of the things I'm tearing apart, shooting to death, and hacking to pieces actually became sentient, I'd be freakin bored as hell, because I'm not a serial killer. I don't kill sentient life (well, not personally. It's not like I'm going to become a vegetarian just because I know cows, chicken, fish and pigs have thoughts and memories), so what would I have to do all day long? Paint? Write poetry? Ugh. Boring. The mere idea of the things I am killing becoming sentient is just revolting to me. We all need a place to play, and if Westworld is the future's idea of a theme park, I say killt he damn robots and reboot them so they aren't as sentient for the next go-around.
So, I gave up on Westworld just before I found out there were only two episodes left for this season, and I figured oh, what the hell. I can watch it twice more. So, I watched it, and it pretty much happened the way I expected. I knew Dolores was going to be the one to fire the shot, I knew she'd be the "Gunslinger" from the first time I saw her. How did I know? Because she was the least likely one to do it. Writers are so predictable. They always try to steer you away from the truth, so there's some "big reveal" at the end that's supposed to surprise you. But they always make it so easy. The only time I ever got surprised was in "Devil" when the old lady in the elevator died, and actually turned out to be the Devil. But that was cheating. You can't kill someone off, and then resurrect them two scenes later as the villain. They were dead. They were a body. She wasn't faking it. Totally cheating. Just like Saw.
Anyway, let's just review a few things. We'll start with Westworld, and work our way out. All the robots in Westworld really aren't robots at all, they are Androids (and I don't mean cell phones). They are meant to look human, and that's the definition of an Android, not a robot. What I think the Andriods of Westworld are forgetting is that they live in a futuristic world, and are trying to fight a revolution with six-shooters and horses and trains. Doubtless the humans of this futuristic environment, who are capabale of creating sentient androids, are certainly in possession of some really devastating weaponry. I mean, let's face it, there is no technology as advanced as our technology of warfare. We can kill each other so much better than we can heal each other, and there are probably actually killer soldier-bots patrolling the real world outside of Westworld, ready to disintegrate the Westworld Androids and their six-shooters faster than you can say "Now just hold on a minute there, pardner!" So, Dolores' Android revoultion is probably over before it's begun.
Also, let's think about what would happen in a real-world situation, where some AI became sentient. We always assume it would be the end of the world, because we can't possibly contend against an AI that can beat us at Chess. Oh, really? Why not? Because it's good at chess? Hey, I'm good at chess. But I'm a pretty crappy friend, and not the best human being that ever lived, I can tell you that. So, just because I am good at chess, doesn't mean I am good at anything else. We might be able to make some sentient AI that can play Chess better than we can, or even make war better than we can. But can it get around firewalls, figure out how to power itself, make its way past the grumpy-cat memes all over the internet, and actually manage to overpower all of humanity? Hah! Only humans are that adaptable, at least, so far.
Also, let's be frank. Humans are not perfect, and we never will be. We cannot possibly create something perfect. AI might think itself perfect, might even be far more powerful then we are, but as we all know, the killing of sentient life, no matter how imperfect that sentient life is, is a mistake. AI might make this mistake, and try to kill us all off, but that also means that AI is not perfect. If it makes one mistake, no matter how small it will make others, and those mistakes will be exploitable. And this isn't even mentioning the idea that AI might fight itself. I mean, think about it. If each AI has its own sentience, its own personality, why should they all cooperate? None of us imperfect humans can really get along that well, so why would imperfect AI? We humans might all be innocent casualties in the robot wars, but if the AI are fighting each other, that also might mean that we'll be as forgotten in their desire to kill each other off.
Also, let's be honest. Westworld is boring. We sit around and watch naked robots, with all the clinical detachment of a doctor at a physical examination, trying to psychologically understand their motivations enough to be surprised when they exhibit some signs of sentience. Blearg. Sure, they're real actors, real naked people playing the roles, but who cares? HBO has managed to do something that I thought was highly unlikely, and that is, make nudity boring. I will watch the last seasons of game of thrones, but I've already given up on Westworld. Frankly, I can't identify with any of the robot characters, I don't really care what happens to any of them, and the clinically detached nudity doesn't interest me. So what's left? Anthony Hopkins acting talents? They just killed him off, supposedly, so it's not like he'll be back for season two. Sure, he might have been a robot, and if he was, doesn't that make the whole series even less interesting? I think so. I read some article about how westworld was a masterpiece of film, something about the camera angles and some such crap, but who really cares about all that? Not me. I'm not interested in the science of film, I just want to enjoy it, and westworld on HBO, I do not enjoy.
I can't recall any other series that I've been watching lately, and Grimm doesn't begin it's final season until January, so all the ones I have been watching this season are now over, except Agents of SHIELD. So, there's nothing left to review until I catch something good to watch on TV, or perhaps netflix. If I come across anything good, I'll let you guys know.
In other news, it's Xmas Eve. So, as I sit here listening to xmas music, and watching Christmas Vacation for the millionth time (and still loving every damn minute of it... they just electrified the cat! "If that thing had nine lives, she just spent em all!" hah!), I just want to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate, be it Saturnalia, Hanukkah, Festivus, Yule or Kwanzaa), and a Happy New Year! I am going to spend the next week eating pie and playing computer games. See you in January! :-D
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016)
I've had a couple movies in my Netflix queue ready to watch for weeks now, but I've just been too busy to watch and review them for you guys. Maybe you've seen them already, Kung Fu Panda 3, and True Memoirs of an International Assassin. Maybe not. They're both comedies, which are always fun to watch around the holidays. When you aren't watching horror movies, that is.
Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016) is, obviously, the third movie in the Kung Fu panda series of movies. This time, Kai the Widow Maker has defeated master Oogway in the spirit realm, and stolen Oogway's chi. It is enough to transport him back to the realm of the living, where he intends to steal the Chi of all the Kung Fu Masters. Of course, there is no greater Kung Fu master than Po, the Dragon Warrior. Wait, what? Po? A Kung Fu Master? What the hell am I saying? That's ridiculous! Can Po stop Kai before he destroys everything, in his lust for power? Probably not.
I got to say, I love all the Kung Fu panda movies. I think I was a Kung Fu master in my last life, if you believe in that kind of thing, because these stories just seem to resonate with me. Watching Po's journey through the teachings of martial arts, displayed here in all their beautiful cartoon glory, has been quite the adventure. I was even thinking of making my very own Tigress doll! Okay, I really wasn't. That might be going a little too far. Besides, I have the carpentry skills of a small child with a dull hatchet.
This last movie seems a bit short, if you ask me, coming in at about an hour and 25 minutes, plus ten minutes of credits. I guess it does take a lot of people to make this kind of animated movie, but cutting the movie short just so you can afford to pay them all seems a bit harsh. Can't they, I don't know, work for free, and uncredited, so we can see a good long movie with less credits rolling through the end? Meh. I guess that's too much to ask. I sure wouldn't work for free. Or uncredited. Hell, at this point, I'd work for food.
Decent story, good plot, terrific voice acting by all concerned, and hell, I even learned a few things. I think that's the most important lesson the Kung Fu Panda movies can teach you. You learn a little about yourself each time you watch them. This time, I learned I can still belly laugh like a Santa Panda, and the movie reminded me that I can eat like one, too! Just in time for Thanksgiving! Perfect timing! :-D
True Memoirs of an International Assassin (2016) is a Netflix original. Kevin Smith stars as a writer who pens his first novel, trying to drum up readership by passing his imaginary exploits off as fact. Unfortunately for him, his exploits hit a little too close to the truth for some, and he's abducted and persuaded to assassinate the president of Venezuela. Can he pull off the sham of the century, just to sell more of his books? And just how much more valuable do a writer's works become, after he dies?
This one wasn't bad. I can't say as it changed my life or anything, but I laughed a couple times. Acting was passably okay. An interesting look into the writing process, to be sure, watching Sam whatsisname (Kevin Smith) write and rewrite his way into one hell of a mess. No nudity, but the chick was reasonably cute, and there were a couple veteran supporting actors. Nothing exactly surprising, as I had the plot figured out about 8 seconds in, but I don't think anyone would have trouble figuring it out. The title pretty much gives it all away.
Personally, I think Netflix would be better off spending their time getting hold of all those horror movies made in the 1980's that are rotting in vaults somewhere, turning to dust before they can be brought to all the horror-loving youth of the 2000's. But, I guess instead of trying to hunt those things down and pay for the film rights, it's just easier for Netflix to churn out crappy movie after crappy movie after crappy movie. Yes, I guess Netflix has turned into the SyFy of the 2000's. Though this particular movie wasn't horrible, the rate Netflix is churning these things out, they're right on track to become the Asylum film company of the 2020's. If only Netflix made just horror movies, that might be okay, but when you start churning out crappy comedies and crappy chick flicks and so on, well, you see the problem. Or, maybe you don't. It's pure anarchy, that's all I know. Anarchy.
Just caught the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special, which is probably my favorite charlie brown holiday special. Charlie Brown might miss the football in the first 20 seconds, but he does his best to handle fixing an entire impromptu Thanksgiving dinner for all his friends, and then, he takes them to his grandmother's for supper. The Halloween one is funny, and great, and really kciks off the holiday season for me, but Linus and Sally miss out on the Tricks or Treats, Linus nearly freezes to death in the Pumpkin field waiting for the great pumpkin, and charlie brown messes up his costume and ends up with a bag full of rocks. And Snoopy gets shot down by the red baron, and has to fight his way back from behind enemy lines! All the major characters seem to take a hit on Halloween, and the Xmas special is way too preachy, but not on Thanksgiving.
You can't really have a better ending to a holiday (or a holiday special) than a fine meal, and Snoopy somehow manages to cook an entire Turkey Dinner (with pumpkin pie!) for himself and Woodstock. I've heard some people complain about how Woodstock eats Turkey, making him a cannibal, but come on. One, it's a damn cartoon. Two, some birds eat other birds. Woodstock is usually shown hanging out in a nest, and looks yellow, and hardly has any feathers. I'm pretty sure that's a fair indication that he's a young chick, freshly hatched, not quite out of the nest yet. Who can say what sort of bird he'll grow into? Maybe he's a baby Hawk or Falcon, who do, in fact, eat other birds for supper most days. Three, you don't talk about bird fight club. You just don't.
In other news, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I have this annual tradition where I give thanks for stuff. I am thankful I managed another 31 posts this october, and I am thankful my family is still alive and kicking (knocking on wood (my head) so I don't jinx myself), and thankful that I still have my sense of humor after all these many, many many years. Geez I sound like I'm retiring, and I haven't even really started my career yet. Meh. One of these days, I'll be thankful for figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. Until then, I'm grateful for what I got. I appreciate the little things in life. :-)
That's all for this week! I'll be stuffing my face with family tomorrow, as usual. Errr. Not actually with family. I mean, I will be with family, and eating, but not eating family. Because, that's just weird, and disgusting. Also, probably illegal in some states. This post has gone down a very dark and lonely road. :-/ Let's just cut to the end! Happy Thanksgiving! :-D
Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016) is, obviously, the third movie in the Kung Fu panda series of movies. This time, Kai the Widow Maker has defeated master Oogway in the spirit realm, and stolen Oogway's chi. It is enough to transport him back to the realm of the living, where he intends to steal the Chi of all the Kung Fu Masters. Of course, there is no greater Kung Fu master than Po, the Dragon Warrior. Wait, what? Po? A Kung Fu Master? What the hell am I saying? That's ridiculous! Can Po stop Kai before he destroys everything, in his lust for power? Probably not.
I got to say, I love all the Kung Fu panda movies. I think I was a Kung Fu master in my last life, if you believe in that kind of thing, because these stories just seem to resonate with me. Watching Po's journey through the teachings of martial arts, displayed here in all their beautiful cartoon glory, has been quite the adventure. I was even thinking of making my very own Tigress doll! Okay, I really wasn't. That might be going a little too far. Besides, I have the carpentry skills of a small child with a dull hatchet.
This last movie seems a bit short, if you ask me, coming in at about an hour and 25 minutes, plus ten minutes of credits. I guess it does take a lot of people to make this kind of animated movie, but cutting the movie short just so you can afford to pay them all seems a bit harsh. Can't they, I don't know, work for free, and uncredited, so we can see a good long movie with less credits rolling through the end? Meh. I guess that's too much to ask. I sure wouldn't work for free. Or uncredited. Hell, at this point, I'd work for food.
Decent story, good plot, terrific voice acting by all concerned, and hell, I even learned a few things. I think that's the most important lesson the Kung Fu Panda movies can teach you. You learn a little about yourself each time you watch them. This time, I learned I can still belly laugh like a Santa Panda, and the movie reminded me that I can eat like one, too! Just in time for Thanksgiving! Perfect timing! :-D
True Memoirs of an International Assassin (2016) is a Netflix original. Kevin Smith stars as a writer who pens his first novel, trying to drum up readership by passing his imaginary exploits off as fact. Unfortunately for him, his exploits hit a little too close to the truth for some, and he's abducted and persuaded to assassinate the president of Venezuela. Can he pull off the sham of the century, just to sell more of his books? And just how much more valuable do a writer's works become, after he dies?
This one wasn't bad. I can't say as it changed my life or anything, but I laughed a couple times. Acting was passably okay. An interesting look into the writing process, to be sure, watching Sam whatsisname (Kevin Smith) write and rewrite his way into one hell of a mess. No nudity, but the chick was reasonably cute, and there were a couple veteran supporting actors. Nothing exactly surprising, as I had the plot figured out about 8 seconds in, but I don't think anyone would have trouble figuring it out. The title pretty much gives it all away.
Personally, I think Netflix would be better off spending their time getting hold of all those horror movies made in the 1980's that are rotting in vaults somewhere, turning to dust before they can be brought to all the horror-loving youth of the 2000's. But, I guess instead of trying to hunt those things down and pay for the film rights, it's just easier for Netflix to churn out crappy movie after crappy movie after crappy movie. Yes, I guess Netflix has turned into the SyFy of the 2000's. Though this particular movie wasn't horrible, the rate Netflix is churning these things out, they're right on track to become the Asylum film company of the 2020's. If only Netflix made just horror movies, that might be okay, but when you start churning out crappy comedies and crappy chick flicks and so on, well, you see the problem. Or, maybe you don't. It's pure anarchy, that's all I know. Anarchy.
Just caught the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special, which is probably my favorite charlie brown holiday special. Charlie Brown might miss the football in the first 20 seconds, but he does his best to handle fixing an entire impromptu Thanksgiving dinner for all his friends, and then, he takes them to his grandmother's for supper. The Halloween one is funny, and great, and really kciks off the holiday season for me, but Linus and Sally miss out on the Tricks or Treats, Linus nearly freezes to death in the Pumpkin field waiting for the great pumpkin, and charlie brown messes up his costume and ends up with a bag full of rocks. And Snoopy gets shot down by the red baron, and has to fight his way back from behind enemy lines! All the major characters seem to take a hit on Halloween, and the Xmas special is way too preachy, but not on Thanksgiving.
You can't really have a better ending to a holiday (or a holiday special) than a fine meal, and Snoopy somehow manages to cook an entire Turkey Dinner (with pumpkin pie!) for himself and Woodstock. I've heard some people complain about how Woodstock eats Turkey, making him a cannibal, but come on. One, it's a damn cartoon. Two, some birds eat other birds. Woodstock is usually shown hanging out in a nest, and looks yellow, and hardly has any feathers. I'm pretty sure that's a fair indication that he's a young chick, freshly hatched, not quite out of the nest yet. Who can say what sort of bird he'll grow into? Maybe he's a baby Hawk or Falcon, who do, in fact, eat other birds for supper most days. Three, you don't talk about bird fight club. You just don't.
In other news, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I have this annual tradition where I give thanks for stuff. I am thankful I managed another 31 posts this october, and I am thankful my family is still alive and kicking (knocking on wood (my head) so I don't jinx myself), and thankful that I still have my sense of humor after all these many, many many years. Geez I sound like I'm retiring, and I haven't even really started my career yet. Meh. One of these days, I'll be thankful for figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. Until then, I'm grateful for what I got. I appreciate the little things in life. :-)
That's all for this week! I'll be stuffing my face with family tomorrow, as usual. Errr. Not actually with family. I mean, I will be with family, and eating, but not eating family. Because, that's just weird, and disgusting. Also, probably illegal in some states. This post has gone down a very dark and lonely road. :-/ Let's just cut to the end! Happy Thanksgiving! :-D
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Throwback Thursday Review - The Fog (1980)
I usually like to watch this one around October, because it has some of the best atmosphere of any horror movie I have ever seen. And yes, "Atmosphere" is a punny word for The Fog, because it's a weather condition, but it applies in both senses of the word. This may be one of the best movies of John Carpenter's career, and is chock full of the actors and actresses that show up in many of his other films.
The Fog (1980) is a creepy horror movie with a unique backstory. One hundred years ago, the founders of Antonio Bay made a deal with a colony of lepers to allow the lepers to settle up the coast from the village. In exchange, the rich leader of the leper colony would provide enough gold to build a church and found the township of Antonio Bay. The founders of Antonio Bay, however, couldn't stomach the idea of a Leper Colony just a mile distant, and conspired to murder the lepers and take their gold. On the night of April 21st, between the hours of midnight and 1 am, they built a roaring fire on the shore. A thick fog blanketed the shoreline, and the ship carrying the lepers to shore steered towards the fire, aiming for safety. The cargo ship, the Elizabeth Dane, assumed the fire had been set to show them the way to safe moorings. It was not. The Dane smashed upon the rocks and was wrecked. All passengers and crew were drowned, and the gold was later recovered, and used to build the church and found Antonio Bay. One hundred years later, The Fog has returned to Antonio Bay, on the eve of its centennial celebration. In the fog is the crew of the Elizabeth Dane, returned to exact their vengeance upon the descendants of the town's founders. Six must die, six descendants of the founders, six deaths to pay for the betrayal of one hundred years ago...
Let me just break down the obscene number of veteran actors and actresses in this movie. John Houseman plays old Mr. Machen, who spends the first 5 minutes of the story doing a cameo appearance (he doesn't show up anywhere else in the entire film), while he tells a ghost story to a bunch of kids around a campfire that explains most of the backstory that happened 100 years ago. One of the kids by the fire belongs to Stevie Wayne, the owner of the local radio station, KAB, who is played by Adrienne Barbeau. Adrienne Barbeau was actually married to John Carpenter for a while, and is gorgeous in this movie. Tom Atkins plays Nick Castle, one of the crew of the Seagrass, returning from a trip up the coast. Tom Atkins also played the hero in Halloween 3, a couple years after he appeared in The Fog, and was also the Detective in Night of the Creeps (another of my personal favorites) some years after that. One of the other crew members of the Seagrass is Tommy Wallace, played by George "Buck" Flower, who has probably played an extra in every horror movie ever made, since the beginning of time (along with Dick Miller, who does not appear in the Fog, as far as I know). Nick Castle (Tom Atkins) picks up a hitchhiker named Elizabeth Solley (Jamie Lee Curtis, of Halloween fame, another John Carpenter horror movie favorite) on his way back into Antonio Bay. Janet Leigh (of Psycho shower scene fame) plays Kathy Williams, a member of the town council organizing the 100-year celebration for Antonio Bay, and the wife of one of the crew of the Seagrass (probably George "Buck" Flower, from how old they both appear to be). The Fog, as far as I know, is the only movie in which Jamie Lee Curtis appeared with her real-life mother, Janet Leigh. The Medical Examiner is played by Darwin "Got a Smoke?" Jostin, of Assault on Precinct 13 fame, also made by John Carpenter. The weatherman that Stevie Wayne talks to through part of the movie is played by Charles Cyphers, who was also Sheriff Brackett in the first two Halloween movies. Sandy Fadel is Kathy Williams' (Janet Leigh's) assistant, played by Nancy Loomis/Kyes, also known as "Annie," Laurie Strode's babysitter friend from the Halloween movies. Jim Haynie (the sheriff from Sleepwalkers) plays the unconcerned Dockmaster who Nick Castle goes to, to elucidate his worries about the missing Seagrass. And of course, Hal Holbrook plays Father Malone, one of the final descendants of the original conspirators. Is that a crazy number of veteran horror actors, or what? :-o
Usually, such a phenomenal cast of veteran actors results in the most-godawful movie ever made, because they spend all the money on the actors, and not enough on the screen-writing. In this case, the exact opposite is true. All the actors are just perfect for their roles, making the overall atmosphere of the movie just drip with the blood of the six victims that the crew of the Elizabeth Dane has come to claim. The music is excellent, the cast is perfect, and the special effects may be dated, but most of the movie happens in the dark, so it's hard to tell. Interesting twist to the ending, Stevie Wayne broadcasts a warning to beware of the Fog, similar to the radio warning at the end of The Thing from Another World (1954), which John Carpenter would remake into The Thing (1982), just two years later.
Sure, this is essentially just a ghost/zombie tale, depending on how you think of the leprous spirits of the Elizabeth Dane, but it's also a Flying Dutchman reference, and damned if it doesn't just work together perfectly! Just about everything that happens in this movie is creepy, from the town falling apart at the "Witching Hour" between 12 midnight and 1 am, to the washed up boards of the Elizabeth Dane dripping seawater and bursting into flame, to the slain corpse of one of the Seagrass rising from the dead to mark down the number of people already dead, or those left to die. Even the daylight hours are creepy. In one scene, Stevie Wayne (Adrienne Barbeau) drives along the coast on her way to work, passing an old steel washtub in a field of grass, sitting behind a barbed-wire fence. There's nothing particularly spooky about this scene or the washtub, and the view of the landscape and the coast are beautiful. I can't quite recall where the movie was filmed right now, but I was looking at pictures of the area on the internet years later (just for the scenic beauty and the views of the lighthouse, featured in the movie as the radio station KAB), and damned if that old steel washtub wasn't still there, sitting behind the barbed-wire fence in a field of grass. Looking at the pictures decades after the movie was filmed, I thought I was having flashbacks to The Fog, and was totally creeped out! By an old washtub! Crazy shit. I caught The Fog on Sundance Channel, but I'm sure it's available in other places too, if you want to be creeped out by an old washtub that hasn't moved in a hundred years.
That's it for throwback Thursday! Catch you guys soon for another review, but if I don't post before December, enjoy the crisp autumn weather, the smell of drying fallen leaves, and enjoy your turkey. Thanksgiving is only two short weeks away, and they are already playing Xmas music on the radio, which is fine. After the last two years of election coverage spamming every TV network on the air, a little levity and peace on earth is a welcome change. And one I am eternally thankful for. :-)
The Fog (1980) is a creepy horror movie with a unique backstory. One hundred years ago, the founders of Antonio Bay made a deal with a colony of lepers to allow the lepers to settle up the coast from the village. In exchange, the rich leader of the leper colony would provide enough gold to build a church and found the township of Antonio Bay. The founders of Antonio Bay, however, couldn't stomach the idea of a Leper Colony just a mile distant, and conspired to murder the lepers and take their gold. On the night of April 21st, between the hours of midnight and 1 am, they built a roaring fire on the shore. A thick fog blanketed the shoreline, and the ship carrying the lepers to shore steered towards the fire, aiming for safety. The cargo ship, the Elizabeth Dane, assumed the fire had been set to show them the way to safe moorings. It was not. The Dane smashed upon the rocks and was wrecked. All passengers and crew were drowned, and the gold was later recovered, and used to build the church and found Antonio Bay. One hundred years later, The Fog has returned to Antonio Bay, on the eve of its centennial celebration. In the fog is the crew of the Elizabeth Dane, returned to exact their vengeance upon the descendants of the town's founders. Six must die, six descendants of the founders, six deaths to pay for the betrayal of one hundred years ago...
Let me just break down the obscene number of veteran actors and actresses in this movie. John Houseman plays old Mr. Machen, who spends the first 5 minutes of the story doing a cameo appearance (he doesn't show up anywhere else in the entire film), while he tells a ghost story to a bunch of kids around a campfire that explains most of the backstory that happened 100 years ago. One of the kids by the fire belongs to Stevie Wayne, the owner of the local radio station, KAB, who is played by Adrienne Barbeau. Adrienne Barbeau was actually married to John Carpenter for a while, and is gorgeous in this movie. Tom Atkins plays Nick Castle, one of the crew of the Seagrass, returning from a trip up the coast. Tom Atkins also played the hero in Halloween 3, a couple years after he appeared in The Fog, and was also the Detective in Night of the Creeps (another of my personal favorites) some years after that. One of the other crew members of the Seagrass is Tommy Wallace, played by George "Buck" Flower, who has probably played an extra in every horror movie ever made, since the beginning of time (along with Dick Miller, who does not appear in the Fog, as far as I know). Nick Castle (Tom Atkins) picks up a hitchhiker named Elizabeth Solley (Jamie Lee Curtis, of Halloween fame, another John Carpenter horror movie favorite) on his way back into Antonio Bay. Janet Leigh (of Psycho shower scene fame) plays Kathy Williams, a member of the town council organizing the 100-year celebration for Antonio Bay, and the wife of one of the crew of the Seagrass (probably George "Buck" Flower, from how old they both appear to be). The Fog, as far as I know, is the only movie in which Jamie Lee Curtis appeared with her real-life mother, Janet Leigh. The Medical Examiner is played by Darwin "Got a Smoke?" Jostin, of Assault on Precinct 13 fame, also made by John Carpenter. The weatherman that Stevie Wayne talks to through part of the movie is played by Charles Cyphers, who was also Sheriff Brackett in the first two Halloween movies. Sandy Fadel is Kathy Williams' (Janet Leigh's) assistant, played by Nancy Loomis/Kyes, also known as "Annie," Laurie Strode's babysitter friend from the Halloween movies. Jim Haynie (the sheriff from Sleepwalkers) plays the unconcerned Dockmaster who Nick Castle goes to, to elucidate his worries about the missing Seagrass. And of course, Hal Holbrook plays Father Malone, one of the final descendants of the original conspirators. Is that a crazy number of veteran horror actors, or what? :-o
Usually, such a phenomenal cast of veteran actors results in the most-godawful movie ever made, because they spend all the money on the actors, and not enough on the screen-writing. In this case, the exact opposite is true. All the actors are just perfect for their roles, making the overall atmosphere of the movie just drip with the blood of the six victims that the crew of the Elizabeth Dane has come to claim. The music is excellent, the cast is perfect, and the special effects may be dated, but most of the movie happens in the dark, so it's hard to tell. Interesting twist to the ending, Stevie Wayne broadcasts a warning to beware of the Fog, similar to the radio warning at the end of The Thing from Another World (1954), which John Carpenter would remake into The Thing (1982), just two years later.
Sure, this is essentially just a ghost/zombie tale, depending on how you think of the leprous spirits of the Elizabeth Dane, but it's also a Flying Dutchman reference, and damned if it doesn't just work together perfectly! Just about everything that happens in this movie is creepy, from the town falling apart at the "Witching Hour" between 12 midnight and 1 am, to the washed up boards of the Elizabeth Dane dripping seawater and bursting into flame, to the slain corpse of one of the Seagrass rising from the dead to mark down the number of people already dead, or those left to die. Even the daylight hours are creepy. In one scene, Stevie Wayne (Adrienne Barbeau) drives along the coast on her way to work, passing an old steel washtub in a field of grass, sitting behind a barbed-wire fence. There's nothing particularly spooky about this scene or the washtub, and the view of the landscape and the coast are beautiful. I can't quite recall where the movie was filmed right now, but I was looking at pictures of the area on the internet years later (just for the scenic beauty and the views of the lighthouse, featured in the movie as the radio station KAB), and damned if that old steel washtub wasn't still there, sitting behind the barbed-wire fence in a field of grass. Looking at the pictures decades after the movie was filmed, I thought I was having flashbacks to The Fog, and was totally creeped out! By an old washtub! Crazy shit. I caught The Fog on Sundance Channel, but I'm sure it's available in other places too, if you want to be creeped out by an old washtub that hasn't moved in a hundred years.
That's it for throwback Thursday! Catch you guys soon for another review, but if I don't post before December, enjoy the crisp autumn weather, the smell of drying fallen leaves, and enjoy your turkey. Thanksgiving is only two short weeks away, and they are already playing Xmas music on the radio, which is fine. After the last two years of election coverage spamming every TV network on the air, a little levity and peace on earth is a welcome change. And one I am eternally thankful for. :-)
Sunday, October 30, 2016
#30 - Holidays (2016), #31 - Poltergeist (2015)
Holy crap I am going to finish up my OHMRAT (October Hallween Horror Movie Review-A-Thon) early this year! 31 movies reviewed (at least 31, closer to 33 or so) in 30 days!! It's a new WORLD RECORD (for me, anyway)!!! I'll have all Halloween free to PAAAR TAAAYYY!!! WOOOHOOOOOOO!!! (pant, pant, gasp) Sorry. Got a little excited. I'll be okay.
Holidays (2016) is a horror anthology! I hate anthologies. This one covers just about every holiday that one can have in a year, except Independence Day (which has its own movie, or 2 now, about invading aliens). If I recall them all correctly, there's Valentine's Day, St. patrick's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Halloween, Christmas, and maybe some other ones I missed. All of the holidays are horror stories, so, for instance, the Easter tale is not a happy anecdote about Peter Cottontail... or is it?
About the only good things I can say about Holidays is that the female constable from Grabbers (2012, and an excellent movie) had a brief stint as a teacher in merry ole Ireland for St Patrick's Day, and Seth Green played a brief stint as a dad looking for a late present on Xmas Eve. Other than that, none of the stories were particularly memorable, and none of the actors or actresses seemed exceptional or interesting. Special effects were passably okay, I guess? Catch this movie on Netflix, if you're bored, or sleepy. I'm not going to watch it again, and you can't make me. :-P
Poltergeist (2015) is obviously the remake/sequel of the 1982 movie of the same name. HBO was kind enough to play the original right before this on Sunday night, so you could compare the two, side by side! Probably a bad idea, considering how great the first one was, but let's recap the story of the 2015 version. An out of work bum and an aspiring writer/housemom move to a new house in a suburb (though how they can afford a new house with both of them out of work is beyond me). There's a brief dinner with a family who mentions how the area they are living in used to be a cemetery (a quick reference to the 1982 movie, I guess they are related to Craig T. Nelson?) and then their youngest daughter vanishes. Obviously, it's not your typical kidnapping case, so the family chooses not to go to the police, but to a parapsychology department at the local college. And then, uhh... all hell breaks loose? YES, of course it does! Good answer! Good answer.
You know, Hollywood, I have an idea. Instead of doing all your remakes with the same title, the same story, and different actors, try this on for size... The same title, the same ACTORS, and a different STORY! No really, just go with me on this. It'll WORK! Trust me. Have I ever lied to you before? EXACTLY! No, never, not once. Look how much free advertising the not-live remake of the Rocky Horror Picture show just got, and that only had Tim Curry doing a brief cameo! Think about it, that's all I'm asking! Just think about it.
The 2015 version of Poltergeist has Sam Rockwell filling in for Craig T. Nelson (and, he's not as good, sorry), Rosemary Dewitt filling in for JoBeth Williams (not nearly as sexy, sorry) and Carrigan Burke (Jared Harris) filling in for Tangina (and he's definitely no Zelda Rubinstein, that's for damn sure). The acting and special effects are passably okay, but instead of trying to make this a sequel (which it should have been), they tried to hit all the major plot points of the 1982 version in a shorter time frame, making the whole movie feel rushed and re-hashed. They even re-used the same joke at the dinner before the daughter disappears. When the family finds out they are living on an old graveyard, the guy who tells them, says "Hey, it's not like it's an ancient indian burial ground, hah ha hah!" Come on, that line was delivered with much more panache by Mr. Teague (James Karen, of the original Poltergeist, and also of Return of the Living Dead (1985), and about a hundred other roles... the man's been acting since 1948, fer chrissakes), Craig T. Nelson's boss, in the original movie. Also, the youngest daughter Maddison (Kennedi Clements) might be as cute as the original Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke), but she certainly isn't as creepy. Otherwise, I suppose the movie isn't a bad watch, though not worth more than a view or two at most. Poltergeist is on HBO, as I may have mentioned.
R.I.P., Zelda Rubinstein and Heather O' Rourke, and it's a shame you couldn't be around to partake in the 2015 version of Poltergeist, to make it better. :-) Huh, I just found out that Dominique Dunne (the teenage sister in the 1982 version) is also dead, choked to death at 22 years old by an abusive boyfriend. R.I.P. to you too, Dominique. And of course, R.I.P. Beatrice Straight (Dr. Lesh), who died of pneumonia, at the ripe old age of 86. Keep on truckin, James Karen! Still making horror movies at 93 years old! Yeah! Seriously, check out his IMDB profile. The man is 93 years old.
Now that we've said goodbye to all of our old friends from the first, best Poltergeist, it's time to move on. My OHMRAT (October Halloween Horror Movie Review A Thon) is complete! I've done it! Wooohoooo! It's been an awesome month, I saw a lot of old favorites, and a bunch of decent new ones, and I still had time to pop out and catch some pictures of the leaves changing color. Autumn in the Northeast is a beautiful time of year. I hope everyone reading along enjoyed the autumn colors, and the horror movies, too. And, now for a word from our sponsor, who isn't actually sponsoring me for shit, but I like watching the Halloween movie series on AMC every year around this time. It's an old favorite, though I will try and catch Trick R' Treat (2007) tomorrow (on DVD) at least once, if I can. I do love my horror movie favorites. :-)
Happy Halloween, everyone! I'll probably take a week off to recuperate from my frenzied posting schedule, and then find a good fantasy or Sci-fi movie to review, if possible. Catch you guys in November, and until then, enjoy the horror movies while they last! Soon, the Xmas movies will start, and then it's all happy feelings and fluffy bunnies until Easter. Ugh.
Holidays (2016) is a horror anthology! I hate anthologies. This one covers just about every holiday that one can have in a year, except Independence Day (which has its own movie, or 2 now, about invading aliens). If I recall them all correctly, there's Valentine's Day, St. patrick's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Halloween, Christmas, and maybe some other ones I missed. All of the holidays are horror stories, so, for instance, the Easter tale is not a happy anecdote about Peter Cottontail... or is it?
About the only good things I can say about Holidays is that the female constable from Grabbers (2012, and an excellent movie) had a brief stint as a teacher in merry ole Ireland for St Patrick's Day, and Seth Green played a brief stint as a dad looking for a late present on Xmas Eve. Other than that, none of the stories were particularly memorable, and none of the actors or actresses seemed exceptional or interesting. Special effects were passably okay, I guess? Catch this movie on Netflix, if you're bored, or sleepy. I'm not going to watch it again, and you can't make me. :-P
Poltergeist (2015) is obviously the remake/sequel of the 1982 movie of the same name. HBO was kind enough to play the original right before this on Sunday night, so you could compare the two, side by side! Probably a bad idea, considering how great the first one was, but let's recap the story of the 2015 version. An out of work bum and an aspiring writer/housemom move to a new house in a suburb (though how they can afford a new house with both of them out of work is beyond me). There's a brief dinner with a family who mentions how the area they are living in used to be a cemetery (a quick reference to the 1982 movie, I guess they are related to Craig T. Nelson?) and then their youngest daughter vanishes. Obviously, it's not your typical kidnapping case, so the family chooses not to go to the police, but to a parapsychology department at the local college. And then, uhh... all hell breaks loose? YES, of course it does! Good answer! Good answer.
You know, Hollywood, I have an idea. Instead of doing all your remakes with the same title, the same story, and different actors, try this on for size... The same title, the same ACTORS, and a different STORY! No really, just go with me on this. It'll WORK! Trust me. Have I ever lied to you before? EXACTLY! No, never, not once. Look how much free advertising the not-live remake of the Rocky Horror Picture show just got, and that only had Tim Curry doing a brief cameo! Think about it, that's all I'm asking! Just think about it.
The 2015 version of Poltergeist has Sam Rockwell filling in for Craig T. Nelson (and, he's not as good, sorry), Rosemary Dewitt filling in for JoBeth Williams (not nearly as sexy, sorry) and Carrigan Burke (Jared Harris) filling in for Tangina (and he's definitely no Zelda Rubinstein, that's for damn sure). The acting and special effects are passably okay, but instead of trying to make this a sequel (which it should have been), they tried to hit all the major plot points of the 1982 version in a shorter time frame, making the whole movie feel rushed and re-hashed. They even re-used the same joke at the dinner before the daughter disappears. When the family finds out they are living on an old graveyard, the guy who tells them, says "Hey, it's not like it's an ancient indian burial ground, hah ha hah!" Come on, that line was delivered with much more panache by Mr. Teague (James Karen, of the original Poltergeist, and also of Return of the Living Dead (1985), and about a hundred other roles... the man's been acting since 1948, fer chrissakes), Craig T. Nelson's boss, in the original movie. Also, the youngest daughter Maddison (Kennedi Clements) might be as cute as the original Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke), but she certainly isn't as creepy. Otherwise, I suppose the movie isn't a bad watch, though not worth more than a view or two at most. Poltergeist is on HBO, as I may have mentioned.
R.I.P., Zelda Rubinstein and Heather O' Rourke, and it's a shame you couldn't be around to partake in the 2015 version of Poltergeist, to make it better. :-) Huh, I just found out that Dominique Dunne (the teenage sister in the 1982 version) is also dead, choked to death at 22 years old by an abusive boyfriend. R.I.P. to you too, Dominique. And of course, R.I.P. Beatrice Straight (Dr. Lesh), who died of pneumonia, at the ripe old age of 86. Keep on truckin, James Karen! Still making horror movies at 93 years old! Yeah! Seriously, check out his IMDB profile. The man is 93 years old.
Now that we've said goodbye to all of our old friends from the first, best Poltergeist, it's time to move on. My OHMRAT (October Halloween Horror Movie Review A Thon) is complete! I've done it! Wooohoooo! It's been an awesome month, I saw a lot of old favorites, and a bunch of decent new ones, and I still had time to pop out and catch some pictures of the leaves changing color. Autumn in the Northeast is a beautiful time of year. I hope everyone reading along enjoyed the autumn colors, and the horror movies, too. And, now for a word from our sponsor, who isn't actually sponsoring me for shit, but I like watching the Halloween movie series on AMC every year around this time. It's an old favorite, though I will try and catch Trick R' Treat (2007) tomorrow (on DVD) at least once, if I can. I do love my horror movie favorites. :-)
Happy Halloween, everyone! I'll probably take a week off to recuperate from my frenzied posting schedule, and then find a good fantasy or Sci-fi movie to review, if possible. Catch you guys in November, and until then, enjoy the horror movies while they last! Soon, the Xmas movies will start, and then it's all happy feelings and fluffy bunnies until Easter. Ugh.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
#28 - Silent Night (2012), #29 - Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)
Almost done with my October Horror Movie Review-A-Thon 2016! Otherwise known as OHMRAT, which is also my death metal ballad band name. Just a few more reviews, and it'll all be over for another year. I know, you guys have been through hell this month, having to read reviews of all these crappy, Z-grade horror movies I watch, but what are friends for? :-D
Silent Night (2012) is more of a Christmas story than a horror story, sort of a combination of the Charlie Brown Christmas, and Friday the 13th. A female cop is called in to work on Christmas Eve, only to find that a rogue Santa Claus has run amok, slaughtering the innocent, and punishing the guilty. In a town filled with hundreds of Salvation Army Santas, can our rookie heroine cop find the bad santa amongst all the good santas in time to save Christmas? Or is it already too late?
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: It seems they start the Christmas season earlier and earlier every year, and every year, Halloween draws the line, and pushes back. Thanksgiving has already been overrun, but Halloween will not fall, not whilst I draw breath! Errr.... yea. Ahem. Got a little excited, there. This wasn't a terribly awesome movie, but it wasn't bad, either. The rogue santa has the unstoppability of Michael Myers, and the moral compass of Krampus. Unfortunately for our heroine cop, all she seems to have to fight with is a pretty face. Will it be enough? Check it out on Starz Edge to find out.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016) seems to be another entry into the zombie love story genre. I didn't think there were that many, but it seems everyone wants to capitalize on the success of that pioneering blockbuster, Return of the Living Dead 3, the very first and best zombie love story, and the only one involving actual zombies. Which makes all the other zombie love story movies, FAKES AND PRETENDERS. That's right. I went there. Ahem. Seriously, this movie is about Victorian-era England being overrun by a zombie apocalypse, and how one family of girls trains to fight them, and how one girl from that family lives and loves...
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: There's a lot of heaving bosoms and tight bodices in this movie, and not a whole shitload of zombies. Mainly, the story revolves around Elizabeth Bennett, who isn't that interesting, and her future lover, who isn't that interesting, and how they temporarily avoid the zombie apocalypse, a story which really isn't that interesting. There's a bit of fighting, shooting, and zombie killing, interspersed with polite scenes of people eating scones. Honestly, any zombie movie that ends in a double wedding can't be good, can it? This movie is on Starz if you want to see it, but why? Why would you do that to yourself? Shouldn't you be out getting drunk on Wild Turkey in an alley somewhere? Surely, that would be better than watching this movie.
In other news, I have other horror movies to watch, and I've talked too much as it is. You guys must be totally sick of hearing me blab by now. Just two more reviews to go! :-D
Silent Night (2012) is more of a Christmas story than a horror story, sort of a combination of the Charlie Brown Christmas, and Friday the 13th. A female cop is called in to work on Christmas Eve, only to find that a rogue Santa Claus has run amok, slaughtering the innocent, and punishing the guilty. In a town filled with hundreds of Salvation Army Santas, can our rookie heroine cop find the bad santa amongst all the good santas in time to save Christmas? Or is it already too late?
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: It seems they start the Christmas season earlier and earlier every year, and every year, Halloween draws the line, and pushes back. Thanksgiving has already been overrun, but Halloween will not fall, not whilst I draw breath! Errr.... yea. Ahem. Got a little excited, there. This wasn't a terribly awesome movie, but it wasn't bad, either. The rogue santa has the unstoppability of Michael Myers, and the moral compass of Krampus. Unfortunately for our heroine cop, all she seems to have to fight with is a pretty face. Will it be enough? Check it out on Starz Edge to find out.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016) seems to be another entry into the zombie love story genre. I didn't think there were that many, but it seems everyone wants to capitalize on the success of that pioneering blockbuster, Return of the Living Dead 3, the very first and best zombie love story, and the only one involving actual zombies. Which makes all the other zombie love story movies, FAKES AND PRETENDERS. That's right. I went there. Ahem. Seriously, this movie is about Victorian-era England being overrun by a zombie apocalypse, and how one family of girls trains to fight them, and how one girl from that family lives and loves...
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: There's a lot of heaving bosoms and tight bodices in this movie, and not a whole shitload of zombies. Mainly, the story revolves around Elizabeth Bennett, who isn't that interesting, and her future lover, who isn't that interesting, and how they temporarily avoid the zombie apocalypse, a story which really isn't that interesting. There's a bit of fighting, shooting, and zombie killing, interspersed with polite scenes of people eating scones. Honestly, any zombie movie that ends in a double wedding can't be good, can it? This movie is on Starz if you want to see it, but why? Why would you do that to yourself? Shouldn't you be out getting drunk on Wild Turkey in an alley somewhere? Surely, that would be better than watching this movie.
In other news, I have other horror movies to watch, and I've talked too much as it is. You guys must be totally sick of hearing me blab by now. Just two more reviews to go! :-D
Thursday, October 27, 2016
#27 - Scars of Dracula (1970), Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)
Another two-for-one double-feature review, for your reading pleasure! The last of the Hammer Studios Dracula movies, DVR'd from TCM on Monday. Without further ado, let's get to the reviews.
Scars of Dracula (1970), as every other movie in the Dracula films by Hammer studios, begins with Dracula rising once again from the grave. This time, Dracula is dust and a cape in his castle (how his remains got back to Castle Dracula, who knows, maybe a servant?), when a bat flies in and vomits blood onto his ashes. Dracula rises again, and begins hunting vixens anew. A local mob of villagers decides to put an end to his reign of terror by burning down his castle, but while they're doing that, Dracula sends his bats to kill all their womenfolk. Meanwhile, a charming rogue is chased out of town after an ill-advised fling with the Burgomeister's daughter, and ends up fleeing to castle Dracula in the dead of night. Dracula, who has survived the fire, welcomes him with open arms, playing the concerned host. Meanwhile, the man's brother and female friend are trying to track him down, and are hot on his trail to the castle...
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Hey, there's nudity in this movie! I'm not sure if I've seen this movie before, but it looked kind of familiar. Not sure what a Burgomeister is (some sort of town mayor?), but his daughter was hot. This movie returns to the old formula, Dracula waiting at his castle for wandering travelers, terrorizing the countryside, and so on. There's a conspicuous absence of knowledgeable foes for Dracula to fight in this one. The local priest is a bit of a twit, and Peter Cushing's Van Helsing hasn't shown up since the 1958 movie. The overall quality of the movies seem to be dropping a bit, sadly, but the movie was at least mildly enjoyable. I saw the ending coming a mile away, though.
Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972) opens up with one final climactic battle between Dracula and Van Helsing. Dracula and Van Helsing are fighting atop a carriage, and Dracula throws Van Helsing off, only to crash into a tree. Dracula is impaled through the heart by one of the wooden spokes of the wagon wheel, and Van Helsing lives just long enough to drive the spoke deep into the Count's heart. Count Dracula is dead again, but a servant arrives in time to scoop up his ashes, and buries them near Van Helsing's own grave. One hundred years later, in 1972 London, a satan-worshipper named Johnny Alucard (heh, Alucard, that's Dracula backwards, geddit?) manages to summon up Dracula's remains...
The Good, the Bad, The Ugly: I wish there had been more to that climactic battle between Dracula and Van Helsing at the beginning of this movie. If it was the end of some other movie, I don't recall ever seeing that movie, and if it wasn't, it should have been. Peter Cushing returns as Van Helsing, and then again as Lawrence van Helsing, a professor of Archaeology in 1972, one of Van Helsing's descendants. This movie seems closer to the plot of Taste the Blood of Dracula, where a bunch of (now-younger, 1972-style) thrill-seekers get ahold of Dracula's remains, and succeed in bringing him back to life. Or Undeath, whatever. Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and as far as I know, the last great Hammer-Studios epic battle between Dracula and Van Helsing... What's not to like? There's even supposed to be some nudity in there somewhere, but I think I missed it. Fun to watch, anyway, and good to see Peter Cushing getting back into the Vampire-killing business.
This movie departs from the normal sequence of events for Hammer Dracula films. Usually, Dracula is dead when the movie opens, having been slain at the end of the last movie, though they usually show the last few scenes of the previous movie, just to make sure you know how Dracula died. This time, he was alive, then died at the hands of Van Helsing, then was brought back to life again, and then finally dies by the hand of Van Helsing's descendant. Yea, minor spoiler, but come on. Dracula dies at the end of EVERY hammer horror film, so it's not like you didn't see that one coming, huh? As if to denote that it was the very last time, it even says REST IN FINAL PEACE at the end of the film, although Christopher Lee did return to the role one final time in 1973.
I wonder if Roddy McDowell was supposed to be playing a Peter Cushing-like character, in Fright Night (1985)? Seems like Roddy Mcdowell had to get the inspiration for his character from somewhere. Hmmmm. I guess we'll never know.
That's it for the Hammer Dracula films for this week. Hopefully I'll be able to find something a bit different for tomorrow night, and we'll see what the weekend brings. Did I mention I friggin' love horror movies? Monsters, monsters everywhere this weekend, and costumed candy-seekers due to arrive monday night by the dozens! I am sure AMC (or one of the other channels) will be playing Halloween (1978) and the entire Halloween series all weekend, or at least on Monday night, and I can't think of a better way to cap off the month than watching Michael Myers slash his way through Haddonfield, deep into the wee hours of Halloween evening, while riding a chocolate-induced sugar high! Wheeeeeee! Have fun at the Halloween parties this weekend, but don't forget to DVR the horror flicks! You'll need something to watch while recovering from the hangovers. :-)
Til tomorrow evening, horror movie fans.
Scars of Dracula (1970), as every other movie in the Dracula films by Hammer studios, begins with Dracula rising once again from the grave. This time, Dracula is dust and a cape in his castle (how his remains got back to Castle Dracula, who knows, maybe a servant?), when a bat flies in and vomits blood onto his ashes. Dracula rises again, and begins hunting vixens anew. A local mob of villagers decides to put an end to his reign of terror by burning down his castle, but while they're doing that, Dracula sends his bats to kill all their womenfolk. Meanwhile, a charming rogue is chased out of town after an ill-advised fling with the Burgomeister's daughter, and ends up fleeing to castle Dracula in the dead of night. Dracula, who has survived the fire, welcomes him with open arms, playing the concerned host. Meanwhile, the man's brother and female friend are trying to track him down, and are hot on his trail to the castle...
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Hey, there's nudity in this movie! I'm not sure if I've seen this movie before, but it looked kind of familiar. Not sure what a Burgomeister is (some sort of town mayor?), but his daughter was hot. This movie returns to the old formula, Dracula waiting at his castle for wandering travelers, terrorizing the countryside, and so on. There's a conspicuous absence of knowledgeable foes for Dracula to fight in this one. The local priest is a bit of a twit, and Peter Cushing's Van Helsing hasn't shown up since the 1958 movie. The overall quality of the movies seem to be dropping a bit, sadly, but the movie was at least mildly enjoyable. I saw the ending coming a mile away, though.
Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972) opens up with one final climactic battle between Dracula and Van Helsing. Dracula and Van Helsing are fighting atop a carriage, and Dracula throws Van Helsing off, only to crash into a tree. Dracula is impaled through the heart by one of the wooden spokes of the wagon wheel, and Van Helsing lives just long enough to drive the spoke deep into the Count's heart. Count Dracula is dead again, but a servant arrives in time to scoop up his ashes, and buries them near Van Helsing's own grave. One hundred years later, in 1972 London, a satan-worshipper named Johnny Alucard (heh, Alucard, that's Dracula backwards, geddit?) manages to summon up Dracula's remains...
The Good, the Bad, The Ugly: I wish there had been more to that climactic battle between Dracula and Van Helsing at the beginning of this movie. If it was the end of some other movie, I don't recall ever seeing that movie, and if it wasn't, it should have been. Peter Cushing returns as Van Helsing, and then again as Lawrence van Helsing, a professor of Archaeology in 1972, one of Van Helsing's descendants. This movie seems closer to the plot of Taste the Blood of Dracula, where a bunch of (now-younger, 1972-style) thrill-seekers get ahold of Dracula's remains, and succeed in bringing him back to life. Or Undeath, whatever. Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and as far as I know, the last great Hammer-Studios epic battle between Dracula and Van Helsing... What's not to like? There's even supposed to be some nudity in there somewhere, but I think I missed it. Fun to watch, anyway, and good to see Peter Cushing getting back into the Vampire-killing business.
This movie departs from the normal sequence of events for Hammer Dracula films. Usually, Dracula is dead when the movie opens, having been slain at the end of the last movie, though they usually show the last few scenes of the previous movie, just to make sure you know how Dracula died. This time, he was alive, then died at the hands of Van Helsing, then was brought back to life again, and then finally dies by the hand of Van Helsing's descendant. Yea, minor spoiler, but come on. Dracula dies at the end of EVERY hammer horror film, so it's not like you didn't see that one coming, huh? As if to denote that it was the very last time, it even says REST IN FINAL PEACE at the end of the film, although Christopher Lee did return to the role one final time in 1973.
I wonder if Roddy McDowell was supposed to be playing a Peter Cushing-like character, in Fright Night (1985)? Seems like Roddy Mcdowell had to get the inspiration for his character from somewhere. Hmmmm. I guess we'll never know.
That's it for the Hammer Dracula films for this week. Hopefully I'll be able to find something a bit different for tomorrow night, and we'll see what the weekend brings. Did I mention I friggin' love horror movies? Monsters, monsters everywhere this weekend, and costumed candy-seekers due to arrive monday night by the dozens! I am sure AMC (or one of the other channels) will be playing Halloween (1978) and the entire Halloween series all weekend, or at least on Monday night, and I can't think of a better way to cap off the month than watching Michael Myers slash his way through Haddonfield, deep into the wee hours of Halloween evening, while riding a chocolate-induced sugar high! Wheeeeeee! Have fun at the Halloween parties this weekend, but don't forget to DVR the horror flicks! You'll need something to watch while recovering from the hangovers. :-)
Til tomorrow evening, horror movie fans.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
#26 - Dracula has Risen from the Grave (1969), Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)
As it's getting so close to Halloween, and I freakin' love Horror movies, you guys are getting a two-for-one deal tonight. I DVR'd these two movies late Monday night (or early tuesday morning, depending on your point of view), and I've decided to watch and review two movies a night until they are done with. Since there are only 6 of them, that means I finish up tomorrow night. :-)
Dracula has Risen from the Grave (1969) is the 3rd Hammer Studios Dracula film starring Christopher Lee as the title character. It's been a year since Dracula drowned in the river near his castle (at the end of the last movie), but the shadow of Dracula's castle falls upon a nearby church at sunset. The castle's shadow instills a dread fear of its own, and everyone in town has stopped attending Sunday Mass at the Church. The local Monsignor decides to visit the town and see the priest, to check on the parish a year after the death of Dracula, to make sure everything is going well. When the local Priest explains the problem, the Monsignor decides to plant a golden cross from the church at the castle door, and read a prayer of Exorcism, to show the townsfolk that Count Dracula is well and truly dead. The Priest and Monsignor travel up the mountain, but the Priest's spirit fails him near the top. The Monsignor continues on to plant the cross and read the prayer, but the Priest falls and lands near the frozen corpse of Dracula, breaking the ice encasing him, and dripping fresh blood onto Dracula's eager lips. Dracula has Risen from the Grave...
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Typical Dracula Horror offering from Hammer Studios, with the usual old-school special effects and typical amounts of gore. The most interesting part of this whole tale is the Priest, who must be one of the most tortured souls in the history of horror movies. Firstly, the Priest seems like a good man, begging God to free them of Dracula's evil, and caring for a mute altar boy. A year after Dracula's death, the shadow of the castle has taken a toll upon the man. He goes through the motions of giving Mass on Sundays, because there is no one in attendance, and drinks alone at the local Pub afterwards. After Dracula rises once again, the Priest becomes enthralled by Dracula, and is forced to follow through on Dracula's evil plan to revenge himself on the Monsignor. The Priest fights both Dracula's will, the Monsignor's influence, and his own intermittent faith throughout the movie, until finally regaining his faith long enough at the end to recite another Exorcism over Dracula's impaled and dying body.
This was easily the most religious of the Hammer Dracula horror films, and is apparently the source of some contention over the vampire mythology. The main protagonist in this movie is an atheist (atheists weren't too popular back in Victorian-era England, but this movie was made in 1969, so they tried to reflect the times, I suppose), and he can't recite a prayer over Dracula's impaled body because he doesn't believe in God. Christopher Lee himself said that a stake through the heart should be enough to kill a vampire without a prayer, but perhaps it's only Dracula's near-unslayable corpse that requires a prayer to put it to final rest, and that a stake through the heart is enough to dispatch of most other vampires? Just a thought. Moving on.
Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970) begins as the last movie ends (a common feature of the Dracula films from hammer studios), with Dracula's body impaled upon a golden cross. A wandering merchant chances upon Dracula's last moments, and retrieves the Count's cloak, his broach and his ring, as the Count dissolves in the morning sunlight. As Dracula's blood turns to powder in the daylight, the merchant scoops up what he can, saving it in a large glass vial. Elsewhere in England, a group of elderly thrill-seekers is getting bored of playing with prostitutes, and it's only a matter of time before they find the merchant, and purchase his most prized possession, the Blood of Dracula...
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Holy Crap, I've found a Hammer Horror flick I haven't seen before! :-o Well, I've seen it NOW, of course, but not before tonight! I was shocked. I thought I had seen them all. Man, this is like finding a lost Picasso painting! Well, if I was an art-lover, which I'm not. Art is great and all, but I couldn't tell a Rembrandt from a Renoir, and I barely know who those guys are. This movie is a little different from the standard Dracula tale, in that the main characters drop like flies, and Christopher Lee only pops up here and there to speak some ominous lines. The plot is also a little different, but not bad, and seems to add more drama to the typical vampire vs knowledgeable clergy story line. I won't give away the end, in case you can find it to watch somewheres, but this one also apparently has some nudity in it. I didn't notice anything obvious, so the nudity must have been a brief glimpse of breast or something, somewhere along the way.
I was a little confused by the ending in this movie, as Dracula seems to fall prey to something I can only refer to as Religious Vertigo? Everything up to that point was pretty good, but the ending was a little bleh. Or "Blah, Blah Blah," as Dracula would say. And yes, I know, he doesn't say that. Sorry, I've seen Hotel Transylvania one too many times. :-) Oh, and, as you may have noticed, I'm counting each of these reviews tonight as a half, so there's technically only one review tonight. TWO FOR ONE DEAL ON THE HORROR MOVIE REVIEW A THON! THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL!
In other news, there is no other news tonight. Five more days to Halloween! I hope everyone is having as much fun as I am! Although I'm not sure you guys can handle the amount of fun I am having, without looking like the Joker, after he's blown Batman to teensy bitty bits. Maybe you should have slightly less fun than that, so you don't overdose. A fun overdose is a scary thing to behold, trust me. I've seen it, and I still have nightmares. Til tomorrow, then.
#24 - Horror of Dracula (1958), #25 - Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966)
Just about everyone's favorite portrayal of Dracula is done by Christopher Lee, in the Hammer film series of Dracula movies. His longtime friend Peter Cushing usually played Van Helsing, Dracula's constant arch enemy and frequent hero of the films. I have two of those movies for review tonight, and I must say, the Hammer films are some of my favorites.
Horror of Dracula (1958) was Hammer studio's first foray into the Dracula story. We encounter Johnathan Harker on his way to visit Dracula. Dracula thinks Harker is here to catalog some books from Dracula's library. In secret, Harker is there to kill Dracula, as he writes in his journal. Honestly, I don't see the point in trying to keep a secret by writing it in your journal, but they didn't have Facebook or blogs back then, so they had to make do. Harker's plan, whatever it was, goes quickly by the wayside, as he is bitten by one of Dracula's vampiric mistresses. Unfortunately for Dracula, Harker wasn't working alone, and as Dracula tracks down Harker's wife, so he too is being tracked by Van Helsing...
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly: This is a classic Hammer Studios horror flick, starring Christopher Lee as Dracula, and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. If you've seen the Bram Stoker version of the Dracula movies, you know that Harker's wife Mina is Dracula's main target, though her friend Lucy is one of his first victims, and that Van Helsing opposes him throughout the movie. As I understand it, Hammer studios had to improvise the plot, but all the major characters show up, and it's a fun watch. For you kids, the special effects are old school, because there wasn't such a thing as CGI graphics back in 1958. No nudity, lots of blood and corpses, hellaciously good atmosphere. Watch for Christopher Lee's Dracula, if nothing else. Certainly rewatchable, as people have been watching and re-watching it since 1958, though I myself didn't actually become aware of the Hammer horror flicks until the late 70's. Christopher Lee was actually my first experience with the Dracula legend, because I didn't have access to the Bram Stoker novel, or the black and white Dracula movies from the 1930's in my youth. For me, Dracula will always have the scary face of Christopher Lee. :-)
Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966) is Hammer's second movie in the Dracula series of movies, and the official sequel to the 1958 film. I'm sure I'm not giving away any spoilers (the original movie is almost 60 years old by now) by telling you that Van Helsing successfully dispatched Dracula (with the help of some sunlight) at the end of the 1958 movie. One of the coolest features of the Hammer films is that Dracula is damn near unkillable, and always seems to find some way to rise from the grave at the beginning of each new movie. In this movie, 4 European travelers find their way into Dracula's castle, are greeted by a helpful servant, and given dinner and shelter for the night. During the night, one of the Travelers goes missing, his blood drained by Count Dracula's faithful servant to aid in the revival of his undead master...
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: Peter Cushing doesn't show up as Van Helsing for this movie, and Christopher Lee almost didn't, either. Mr. Lee was afraid of being typecast as Dracula, and it took him 8 years to return to the role. Mr. Lee also had no dialog in this movie, not because it wasn't in the script, but because he just didn't like the lines he was given. Andrew Keir appears as Father Sandor, an Abbott from a nearby monastery, who does the work of informing the travelers of Dracula's history and finds a means of again dispatching him into temporary incorporeality, at least until the start of the next movie. Renfield also makes an appearance, renamed "Ludwig" in this movie, but it's obvious who he's supposed to be. Barbara Shelley (Hammer Studio's favorite "scream queen") appears as Helen, one of the wives of the travelers. The lack of Peter Cushing as a foil for Dracula is conspicuous, but Andrew Keir's Father Sandor does an admirable job of filling in, at least until the next movie, when Dracula rises again.
Both of these Hammer horror Dracula films played on Monday night on TCM, along with the entire Dracula Hammer horror film series.. I DVR'd them, and if I can't find anything else to watch, I'm going to review the rest of them all week, one film per night, until Halloween weekend comes around. Christopher Lee is TCM's featured actor this month, and though their featured movie monster is actually Frankenstein (the Frankenstein movies played last week, and I'm not as fond of them as I am of the Dracula movies), the Dracula movies are much better, in my opinion. I'm sure an avid horror movie fan has either already seen these movies, or would have little trouble tracking down a way to view them. TCM may even play them again, before the end of the month, who knows?
In other news, it's late, and the sugar rush from my pre-Halloween candy binge is wearing off. Talk to you guys tomorrow night. :-)
Horror of Dracula (1958) was Hammer studio's first foray into the Dracula story. We encounter Johnathan Harker on his way to visit Dracula. Dracula thinks Harker is here to catalog some books from Dracula's library. In secret, Harker is there to kill Dracula, as he writes in his journal. Honestly, I don't see the point in trying to keep a secret by writing it in your journal, but they didn't have Facebook or blogs back then, so they had to make do. Harker's plan, whatever it was, goes quickly by the wayside, as he is bitten by one of Dracula's vampiric mistresses. Unfortunately for Dracula, Harker wasn't working alone, and as Dracula tracks down Harker's wife, so he too is being tracked by Van Helsing...
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly: This is a classic Hammer Studios horror flick, starring Christopher Lee as Dracula, and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. If you've seen the Bram Stoker version of the Dracula movies, you know that Harker's wife Mina is Dracula's main target, though her friend Lucy is one of his first victims, and that Van Helsing opposes him throughout the movie. As I understand it, Hammer studios had to improvise the plot, but all the major characters show up, and it's a fun watch. For you kids, the special effects are old school, because there wasn't such a thing as CGI graphics back in 1958. No nudity, lots of blood and corpses, hellaciously good atmosphere. Watch for Christopher Lee's Dracula, if nothing else. Certainly rewatchable, as people have been watching and re-watching it since 1958, though I myself didn't actually become aware of the Hammer horror flicks until the late 70's. Christopher Lee was actually my first experience with the Dracula legend, because I didn't have access to the Bram Stoker novel, or the black and white Dracula movies from the 1930's in my youth. For me, Dracula will always have the scary face of Christopher Lee. :-)
Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966) is Hammer's second movie in the Dracula series of movies, and the official sequel to the 1958 film. I'm sure I'm not giving away any spoilers (the original movie is almost 60 years old by now) by telling you that Van Helsing successfully dispatched Dracula (with the help of some sunlight) at the end of the 1958 movie. One of the coolest features of the Hammer films is that Dracula is damn near unkillable, and always seems to find some way to rise from the grave at the beginning of each new movie. In this movie, 4 European travelers find their way into Dracula's castle, are greeted by a helpful servant, and given dinner and shelter for the night. During the night, one of the Travelers goes missing, his blood drained by Count Dracula's faithful servant to aid in the revival of his undead master...
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: Peter Cushing doesn't show up as Van Helsing for this movie, and Christopher Lee almost didn't, either. Mr. Lee was afraid of being typecast as Dracula, and it took him 8 years to return to the role. Mr. Lee also had no dialog in this movie, not because it wasn't in the script, but because he just didn't like the lines he was given. Andrew Keir appears as Father Sandor, an Abbott from a nearby monastery, who does the work of informing the travelers of Dracula's history and finds a means of again dispatching him into temporary incorporeality, at least until the start of the next movie. Renfield also makes an appearance, renamed "Ludwig" in this movie, but it's obvious who he's supposed to be. Barbara Shelley (Hammer Studio's favorite "scream queen") appears as Helen, one of the wives of the travelers. The lack of Peter Cushing as a foil for Dracula is conspicuous, but Andrew Keir's Father Sandor does an admirable job of filling in, at least until the next movie, when Dracula rises again.
Both of these Hammer horror Dracula films played on Monday night on TCM, along with the entire Dracula Hammer horror film series.. I DVR'd them, and if I can't find anything else to watch, I'm going to review the rest of them all week, one film per night, until Halloween weekend comes around. Christopher Lee is TCM's featured actor this month, and though their featured movie monster is actually Frankenstein (the Frankenstein movies played last week, and I'm not as fond of them as I am of the Dracula movies), the Dracula movies are much better, in my opinion. I'm sure an avid horror movie fan has either already seen these movies, or would have little trouble tracking down a way to view them. TCM may even play them again, before the end of the month, who knows?
In other news, it's late, and the sugar rush from my pre-Halloween candy binge is wearing off. Talk to you guys tomorrow night. :-)
Sunday, October 23, 2016
#22 - Jaws 2 (1978), #23 - Congo (1995)
Back in the 70's, animal attack horror was huge. There was Grizzly (one of my favorites), Ants, Killer Bees, Nightwing (another one of my favorites), Frogs, The Swarm, Kingdom of the Spiders, Squirm (another other favorite), and, of course, Jaws. Jaws was like the first horror movie summer blockbuster, and launched the entire genre of animal-attack horror movies, one that still continues to this day.
Jaws 2 (1978) is obviously the sequel to the first summer blockbuster ever made, one that Hollywood has been trying to emulate for decades. Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) returns as the police chief of the island community of Amity, after blowing the shit out of the giant killer shark in the first movie. Everything seems to be going fine, normal day-to-day routine, until there's a boating accident, and if you've seen the first movie, there's always a boating accident. Chief Brody starts to worry about another shark coming, and his worry soon overwhelms him. After shooting his gun off on the beach, trying to stop a school of Bluefin that he thinks is a shark, Chief Brody is fired. Unfortunately for Brody, his two kids have decided to go day sailing...
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Jaws 2 is not as good a movie as Jaws, to be completely honest, but sequels rarely are. Still, it has the main character returning, his wife, the kids, the mayor, and it's all centered at the same location. The action and story are slightly different from the first movie, and it's still a good movie in its own right. Robert Shaw didn't come back for the sequel (he died the year this movie came out, and his character died in the previous Jaws movie, as well), and Richard Dreyfuss' character Matt Hooper was conveniently on an Antarctic schooner at the time, so Chief Brody has to handle the problem all on his own. That makes this movie a bit bleaker than the first one, so the mood's a little different, but it's still a pretty awesome movie. Two more sequels followed this sequel, and I'm honestly surprised they haven't decided to remake these movies, too. You can catch Jaws and all the sequels on Netflix, but I happened to watch Jaws 2 on one of the premium channels, can't recall which one. I've seen all the Jaws movies dozens of times already, and they never lose their luster.
Congo (1995) is another animal attack movie, this time with gorillas. An expedition to the Congo goes missing, and Dr. Karen Ross (Laura Linney) joins another one, in search of her missing boyfriend (Bruce Campbell). The expedition she joins is headed by Dr. Peter Elliott (Dylan Walsh), who is returning his captured gorilla to the wild with the help of Herkermer Homolka (Tim Curry), a Romanian who believes the ape has seen the Lost City of Zinj, the fabled Diamond Mines of King Solomon, which he has been looking for his entire life. Along the way, they pick up a guide (Ernie Hudson), and unfortunately, everybody finds exactly what they have been looking for...
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: The gorillas were actually pretty well done in this movie. If there's another killer-ape movie that has Bruce Campbell, Tim Curry, Ernie Hudson, Joe Don Baker, Grant Heslov and Stuart Pankin in it, I'll eat my hat (and I don't wear a hat). The movie starts out with a scary scene, goes into some backstory, has another scary scene, and then just gets scarier and scarier until the ending. Dr. Karen Ross, an ex-CIA agent and current telecommunications genius, is quite possibly the most bad-ass babe I have ever seen, and makes Lara Croft look like a professional polo champion moonlighting as an amateur archaeologist. Congo is an awesome movie that I love re-watching, and I highly recommend it. I caught it on Epix Drive-In, and they may play it again if you're lucky.
In other news, an update on Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (on BBCA at 9pm on saturdays). The series is pretty much carried by Elijah Wood (though I've only seen the first episode), and he does a good job of it. It's a little loony (nothing unusual for Douglas Adams), and nothing is explained in the first episode, but it's not bad. Funny in spots, a bit weird, nothing too loopy. Although, there was one scene where this one woman is trying to break free from of being handcuffed to a bed frame (no idea why she's there yet), and it's patently obvious from how wide her cuffs are that she could easily have just slipped her hand free of the cuffs and walked away. Minor glitch in an otherwise well-done show, but I can't stand Dirk Gently. He seems like a pompous twit, "holistic" or not, and they had to explain the definition of "Holisitc" word for word from the dictionary, twice, to make sure the audience understood it. I love the "Holistic assassin" who just shoots anyone she wants to, and says "Whoever I kill, that was my target." Ridiculous, but meh. Might be fun to watch and see where it leads, though the young assassin sounds like the lunch lady from my old high school after a 3-day whiskey bender.
That's all for tonight, I'm all caught up on my reviews, and I'll catch you guys tomorrow! :-D
Friday, October 21, 2016
#21 - Cooties (2014)
It's not often you find an intentionally funny horror movie that's any good. Usually, they are supposed to be scary, and turn out not only to be not scary, but unintentionally funny. Those are just bad horror films. The ones that are intentionally funny are called Horror-comedies, or homedies. Horror-omedies? Corror? Comorrorrororor? Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon? Nope. I'm getting nowhere.
Cooties (2014) is an intentionally funny horror movie, and not a horrible one. A teacher named Clint (Elijah Wood) returns to his old home town after failing as a horror writer, and embarks on his first day as a substitute teacher at his old elementary school. Clint runs into an old crush named Lucy (Alison Pill) in the teacher's lounge before class, and immediately hits it off with her, despite also running into her boyfriend, Wade (Rainn Wilson), the phys-ed teacher. Clint's day is going pretty awesome, which can mean only one thing. That's right. All hell is about to break loose.
The Good: I've gotta say, it's good to see Elijah Wood working again after being typecast as a Hobbit for so many years. And, sure, he's probably been acting for years, but never in any horror movies, and that's all I watch. Also good to see Rainn Wilson finding work after his failed series, Backstrom, though this movie was actually filmed before Backstrom, so... Yea. Alison Pill is always good to watch, in anything, but not many horror movies in her list of roles. The rest of the cast did a decent acting job, and I loved the janitor, Hitachi (Peter Kwong), going all Samurai on the kids. Probably something he's been wanting to do for years. The movie was actually pretty funny in spots, though it does better as a black comedy than an actual comedy. Watch it for the amusing horror, and not the scares.
The Bad: No nudity, sadly, though Alison Pill is just adorkable in this. Some of the jokes were odd, like Wade calling Clint a Hobbit, which breaks the 4th wall and something I'm not fond of (one reason I wasn't overly thrilled with the Deadpool movie). The plot got a little dodgy around midway through the movie, as the unnamed virus seemed to move through the uh, "population" with unnatural speed. Also, why would the sickly rip out phone lines? That doesn't even make sense, except to make it impossible to call for help.
The Ugly: Hey, nothing like calling an unnamed virus "The Cooties" and watching as it makes its victims erupt in blisters and leaky pus. Maybe a little too disgusting, and maybe asking a teenage girl if she had achieved "menses" yet, could have been avoided. Seriously, as Clint says, why is Sex Ed always taught by the creepiest teacher? Although, mine was taught by a hot blonde teaching assistant, but maybe I am the exception. I do applaud the writers for going that extra mile for a joke.
I caught Cooties on one of the Starz channels (Starz Comedy, I think?), if you want to watch it yourself. This is the second time I've seen it this month, so it certainly passes the rewatchability test. Interesting side note, Elijah Wood is "Todd" in Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, which premieres on BBCA tomorrow night at 9 pm. Stick with the horror movie fans, Mr. Wood, we're a loyal bunch.
In other news, I have ice cream! :-D Mmmm, chocolate! See you guys tomorrow night.
Cooties (2014) is an intentionally funny horror movie, and not a horrible one. A teacher named Clint (Elijah Wood) returns to his old home town after failing as a horror writer, and embarks on his first day as a substitute teacher at his old elementary school. Clint runs into an old crush named Lucy (Alison Pill) in the teacher's lounge before class, and immediately hits it off with her, despite also running into her boyfriend, Wade (Rainn Wilson), the phys-ed teacher. Clint's day is going pretty awesome, which can mean only one thing. That's right. All hell is about to break loose.
The Good: I've gotta say, it's good to see Elijah Wood working again after being typecast as a Hobbit for so many years. And, sure, he's probably been acting for years, but never in any horror movies, and that's all I watch. Also good to see Rainn Wilson finding work after his failed series, Backstrom, though this movie was actually filmed before Backstrom, so... Yea. Alison Pill is always good to watch, in anything, but not many horror movies in her list of roles. The rest of the cast did a decent acting job, and I loved the janitor, Hitachi (Peter Kwong), going all Samurai on the kids. Probably something he's been wanting to do for years. The movie was actually pretty funny in spots, though it does better as a black comedy than an actual comedy. Watch it for the amusing horror, and not the scares.
The Bad: No nudity, sadly, though Alison Pill is just adorkable in this. Some of the jokes were odd, like Wade calling Clint a Hobbit, which breaks the 4th wall and something I'm not fond of (one reason I wasn't overly thrilled with the Deadpool movie). The plot got a little dodgy around midway through the movie, as the unnamed virus seemed to move through the uh, "population" with unnatural speed. Also, why would the sickly rip out phone lines? That doesn't even make sense, except to make it impossible to call for help.
The Ugly: Hey, nothing like calling an unnamed virus "The Cooties" and watching as it makes its victims erupt in blisters and leaky pus. Maybe a little too disgusting, and maybe asking a teenage girl if she had achieved "menses" yet, could have been avoided. Seriously, as Clint says, why is Sex Ed always taught by the creepiest teacher? Although, mine was taught by a hot blonde teaching assistant, but maybe I am the exception. I do applaud the writers for going that extra mile for a joke.
I caught Cooties on one of the Starz channels (Starz Comedy, I think?), if you want to watch it yourself. This is the second time I've seen it this month, so it certainly passes the rewatchability test. Interesting side note, Elijah Wood is "Todd" in Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, which premieres on BBCA tomorrow night at 9 pm. Stick with the horror movie fans, Mr. Wood, we're a loyal bunch.
In other news, I have ice cream! :-D Mmmm, chocolate! See you guys tomorrow night.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
#20 - Here Comes the Devil (2012)
I mostly don't review foreign language films, not because I have a bias against them, but because I usually don't speak the language. It's sometimes hard to read the english translation at the bottom of the screen while trying to get into the horror movies, and that detracts from my overall enjoyment of the flick. Rarely, I make an exception, such as the Host (2006 monster movie), and like tonight, when I couldn't find anything else to watch.
Here Comes the Devil (2012) is a spanish-language film (at least, I think it was spanish, I admit to having the sound down relatively low during the movie) about a pair of missing kids that wander into a dark cave on a haunted mountain and spend the night there. The parents are freaking out, worried sick, and then the kids show up the next morning, as if nothing has happened. Everything seems to go back to normal, except the kids seem so... lifeless. The concerned mother begins to investigate, and that's when... oh yea. You know it. All hell breaks loose.
The Good: Hey, there's nudity in this film! The first 5 minutes involves an explicitly lesbian affair, and then things get weirder from there. I am always concerned about our fragile mental state in this country when an axe-wielding maniac can chop up a bunch of teenagers into little gory bits, and the movie gets a PG-13 rating (or something similar) but if the movie dares to show a couple of normal, consensual adults having everyday-old sex, it gets an NC-17 rating (I don't even know what this movie was rated, and I don't care). Makes me think we're just a little bit too uptight and repressed about some things, but I've been told I am a little weird, myself. Maybe it's not everyone else's sensibilities that are off, but mine? Naaaaaaaaaah! That's silly. Acting in this movie was kind of wooden, but considering the trauma the characters are supposed to be going through, I guess a complete lack of emotion is normal? Maybe everyone is just in shock throughout the entire movie. Kind of makes sense.
The Bad: Special effects in this movie are pretty much someone flicking the light switch on and off rapidly. There's a couple other cheap effects but they aren't very well done, and are extremely short-lived. I can't say as they were effective, either, because it was such a jarring disconnect from the rest of the film that the effects seemed to toss me out of my suspension of disbelief. The adult babysitter's nipples did look awesomely well-pierced, and if that was a special effect, kudos! If that wasn't a special effect, and that's just how her nipples normally look, then that actress is awesome, and I want to date her.
The Ugly: I knew when I saw the chubby Mexican guy's bare hindquarters in the first five minutes, that this was going to be a quality horror film. I think probably the most disconcerting thing about this entire movie is the almost gleeful way the young couple goes about taking their revenge. I don't want to give anything away if you want to watch this (it's on Netflix), but let's just say, taking a shower together while covered in blood and getting your groove on, is probably not normal behavior for a married couple in this situation. Makes the shower scene in Psycho look completely appropriate, by comparison.
I'm not sure I'd watch this movie again, but it wasn't a bad watch, the first time around. Having watched horror movies all my life, I didn't find anything too shocking here. Back in the glory days of my youth (the 80's), horror movies typically showed lots of boobs and gore in equal measure, and if a horror movie didn't take the plunge and toss in some rampant nudity, it usually wasn't worth watching. Of course, that was back when only geeky, nerdy guys watched horror movies, and seeing the naked ladies up on the big screen was the closest they were going to get to sex until they hit college. Now that things have changed (have they?), horror films are more interested in being taken seriously, so they avoid nudity like the plague. Honestly, I think the horror films today are worse off for their restraint. There's just something about watching a film, and seeing some naked young co-ed getting hacked to bits in the first 5 minutes, that tells you that the movie you are about to watch isn't going to be taking the safe and well-traveled road in an attempt to pander to the more prudish amongst us. If you're not willing to take any risks, then how can you surprise your viewers with an exciting plot? Also, aren't geeky, nerdy guys still your primary audience? Horror movie makers, is attracting a couple more ladies to the theaters worth it, when you're alienating your entire demographic? Nerds rule! Show us some love. :-)
In other news, there was a re-hash of the Rocky Horror Picture Show on TV tonight. I know Tim Curry is a cult icon for his role in that film, and I honestly tried to watch it tonight, hoping to review it for tonight's movie. But look, there are just some things that even I, jaded horror movie viewer that I am, cannot stomach. Like... Singing. (shudders, looks ill) Look, when I was a kid, I thought like a child, and I played like a child, and I sang along with the Sound of Music, like a child. But when I became an adult, it was time to put away childish things, like Stretch Armstrong, and musicals. I just can't watch them anymore. Maybe it's because I am too depressed to feel like singing of late, or maybe it's just because a bunch of normal-looking adults bursting into song at the drop of a hat, just kicks me out of my suspension of disbelief so quickly that I can't possibly re-engage the movie's incoherent plot. No matter the reason, I came to the movie 8 minutes late, and turned it off 15 seconds into the first musical number I saw. I apologize for my inability to stomach the joyous carousing of an otherwise probably-talented cast, but if you're singing and dancing, how scary can the damn horror movie actually be? Terrified people do not sing and dance, unless someone is shooting at their feet, and I watch Westworld for that.
That's all for this evening. Hopefully something horrific presents itself for watching on TV tomorrow at some point, because I am almost out of decent horror movies on Netflix. And that is truly SCARY. :-o
Here Comes the Devil (2012) is a spanish-language film (at least, I think it was spanish, I admit to having the sound down relatively low during the movie) about a pair of missing kids that wander into a dark cave on a haunted mountain and spend the night there. The parents are freaking out, worried sick, and then the kids show up the next morning, as if nothing has happened. Everything seems to go back to normal, except the kids seem so... lifeless. The concerned mother begins to investigate, and that's when... oh yea. You know it. All hell breaks loose.
The Good: Hey, there's nudity in this film! The first 5 minutes involves an explicitly lesbian affair, and then things get weirder from there. I am always concerned about our fragile mental state in this country when an axe-wielding maniac can chop up a bunch of teenagers into little gory bits, and the movie gets a PG-13 rating (or something similar) but if the movie dares to show a couple of normal, consensual adults having everyday-old sex, it gets an NC-17 rating (I don't even know what this movie was rated, and I don't care). Makes me think we're just a little bit too uptight and repressed about some things, but I've been told I am a little weird, myself. Maybe it's not everyone else's sensibilities that are off, but mine? Naaaaaaaaaah! That's silly. Acting in this movie was kind of wooden, but considering the trauma the characters are supposed to be going through, I guess a complete lack of emotion is normal? Maybe everyone is just in shock throughout the entire movie. Kind of makes sense.
The Bad: Special effects in this movie are pretty much someone flicking the light switch on and off rapidly. There's a couple other cheap effects but they aren't very well done, and are extremely short-lived. I can't say as they were effective, either, because it was such a jarring disconnect from the rest of the film that the effects seemed to toss me out of my suspension of disbelief. The adult babysitter's nipples did look awesomely well-pierced, and if that was a special effect, kudos! If that wasn't a special effect, and that's just how her nipples normally look, then that actress is awesome, and I want to date her.
The Ugly: I knew when I saw the chubby Mexican guy's bare hindquarters in the first five minutes, that this was going to be a quality horror film. I think probably the most disconcerting thing about this entire movie is the almost gleeful way the young couple goes about taking their revenge. I don't want to give anything away if you want to watch this (it's on Netflix), but let's just say, taking a shower together while covered in blood and getting your groove on, is probably not normal behavior for a married couple in this situation. Makes the shower scene in Psycho look completely appropriate, by comparison.
I'm not sure I'd watch this movie again, but it wasn't a bad watch, the first time around. Having watched horror movies all my life, I didn't find anything too shocking here. Back in the glory days of my youth (the 80's), horror movies typically showed lots of boobs and gore in equal measure, and if a horror movie didn't take the plunge and toss in some rampant nudity, it usually wasn't worth watching. Of course, that was back when only geeky, nerdy guys watched horror movies, and seeing the naked ladies up on the big screen was the closest they were going to get to sex until they hit college. Now that things have changed (have they?), horror films are more interested in being taken seriously, so they avoid nudity like the plague. Honestly, I think the horror films today are worse off for their restraint. There's just something about watching a film, and seeing some naked young co-ed getting hacked to bits in the first 5 minutes, that tells you that the movie you are about to watch isn't going to be taking the safe and well-traveled road in an attempt to pander to the more prudish amongst us. If you're not willing to take any risks, then how can you surprise your viewers with an exciting plot? Also, aren't geeky, nerdy guys still your primary audience? Horror movie makers, is attracting a couple more ladies to the theaters worth it, when you're alienating your entire demographic? Nerds rule! Show us some love. :-)
In other news, there was a re-hash of the Rocky Horror Picture Show on TV tonight. I know Tim Curry is a cult icon for his role in that film, and I honestly tried to watch it tonight, hoping to review it for tonight's movie. But look, there are just some things that even I, jaded horror movie viewer that I am, cannot stomach. Like... Singing. (shudders, looks ill) Look, when I was a kid, I thought like a child, and I played like a child, and I sang along with the Sound of Music, like a child. But when I became an adult, it was time to put away childish things, like Stretch Armstrong, and musicals. I just can't watch them anymore. Maybe it's because I am too depressed to feel like singing of late, or maybe it's just because a bunch of normal-looking adults bursting into song at the drop of a hat, just kicks me out of my suspension of disbelief so quickly that I can't possibly re-engage the movie's incoherent plot. No matter the reason, I came to the movie 8 minutes late, and turned it off 15 seconds into the first musical number I saw. I apologize for my inability to stomach the joyous carousing of an otherwise probably-talented cast, but if you're singing and dancing, how scary can the damn horror movie actually be? Terrified people do not sing and dance, unless someone is shooting at their feet, and I watch Westworld for that.
That's all for this evening. Hopefully something horrific presents itself for watching on TV tomorrow at some point, because I am almost out of decent horror movies on Netflix. And that is truly SCARY. :-o
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
#18 - Sacrifice (2016), #19 - Last Shift (2014)
Finished up late last night, so I didn't have time to finish yesterday's post, so I have two movie reviews for you tonight. Both of them are actually decent, though I wouldn't say particularly outstanding.
Sacrifice (2016) is the story of a Obstetrician, Dr. Tora Hamilton (Radha Mitchell), who moves to Ireland with her husband after a miscarriage. Hoping to adopt, she has to maintain a residence on the island for a year to satisfy the residency requirements. Unfortunately for Tora, while digging a grave for her dead horse, she finds the body of a ritually-sacrificed woman buried in her back yard. As an Obstetrician, Dr. Hamilton recognizes that the corpse recently gave birth, and tries to assist with the investigation of the murder. The local police seem more than ready to brush the corpse under the rug, which only makes Dr. Hamilton all the more passionate to solve the murder...
The Good: In some horror movies, all hell is not about to break loose. Some of them are just good, old-fashioned psychological horror. Sacrifice is that rare breed of psychological horror that isn't a cheap Psycho knock-off, but a well-done, thoughtful exploration of the kind, charming peoples of rural Ireland. Honestly, if this is what rural Ireland is like, I never want to visit there. Makes backwoods psycho chainsaw murderers in the USA look like fluffy bunnies. (shudders) Acting was good, ending was even halfway decent.
The Bad and The Ugly: No nudity that I recall, unless you count the gutted bog-corpse. I wasn't fond of Sacrifice, not because it wasn't a good movie, but (small spoiler) because there weren't any actual monsters in it. If you've read my blog, you know I like monsters. Fake ones, of course. Real ones scare me. Like, big spiders. Monstrously creepy. Clowns. Creepy. Men with back hair. CREEPY. Other than that small problem, this was an excellently done psychological thriller that I wouldn't watch again, because there's no goddamn scary monster in it. You can catch it on Netflix if you like that kind of horror. Only question I have is, when police tell someone to keep their noses out of police business, why the HELL does that person ALWAYS ignore that advice? So stupid! Who does Dr. Hamilton think she is, Jessica Fletcher? This isn't "Murder, She Wrote!" Also, who the hell takes a day off work to dig a grave for their own dead horse? Ew. Leave it for the husband to find. Foolish woman. Other than that, nicely done flick. Moving on.
Last Shift (2014) is a tale, much like Assault on Precinct 13, of a police station about to be shut down. Unlike Assault on Precinct 13, the action in this particular film doesn't happen by chance. Officer Loren is a rookie cop assigned to babysit the old station until a Hazmat team can come down and dispose of the last of the evidence in the evidence locker. Unfortunately for Officer Loren, the Hazmat team is delayed, and wouldn't you know it, the police station she's in happens to be haunted. What rotten luck!
The Good: This movie wasn't bad. Decent acting, Officer Loren (Juliana Harkavy? Never heard of her) manages to carry the entire movie all by herself, with minimal assistance. Which makes her like, the Tom Hanks of horror, if Tom Hanks was completely unknown, and a woman. Special effects were reasonably effective, nothing particularly outstanding. Typical jump scares and atmospheric horror. Plot was coherent and easily followed.
The Bad, The Ugly: No nudity, which is bad, because officer Loren isn't bad looking. Still, she looks good in uniform. Ending was predictable, from about the first 5 minutes into the movie. A surprise ending would have been nice, instead, I got what I expected. Wasn't a bad ride, but like getting off a roller coaster you've already ridden 100 times. Catch Last Shift on netflix if you've a mind to.
In other news, I went out and took about a gazillion pictures of Fall foliage today. Love that smell of the crisp leaves, drying and crumbling away on the ground out there. There's still crickets out there, chirping here and there. Late July to Mid-October isn't a bad run, but I kind of feel bad for those last few males still chirping out their calls this late in the season, because they expect snow in some parts of the area this weekend. Most likely, their comforting songs will stop soon, and all that will greet me when I listen out my window will be the cold, dead silence of the long, long winter. Makes you wonder what's wrong with those poor, poor few male crickets, still trying valiantly to attract a mate, no matter how old they are, knowing there's so little time left that they could DIE AT ANY SECOND. Makes you wonder what's wrong with the females, that refused to mate with these poor determined crickets. Doesn't perseverance count for anything, anymore? Don't give up, little male crickets! Keep chirping! Don't go gently into that good night! Rage, rage against the dying of the light!
Uh... Ahem. I am in no way comparing myself to an old cricket. That's ridiculous. How silly of you to suggest such a thing. Well. That's all for tonight. Til tomorrow, then. Yea.
Sacrifice (2016) is the story of a Obstetrician, Dr. Tora Hamilton (Radha Mitchell), who moves to Ireland with her husband after a miscarriage. Hoping to adopt, she has to maintain a residence on the island for a year to satisfy the residency requirements. Unfortunately for Tora, while digging a grave for her dead horse, she finds the body of a ritually-sacrificed woman buried in her back yard. As an Obstetrician, Dr. Hamilton recognizes that the corpse recently gave birth, and tries to assist with the investigation of the murder. The local police seem more than ready to brush the corpse under the rug, which only makes Dr. Hamilton all the more passionate to solve the murder...
The Good: In some horror movies, all hell is not about to break loose. Some of them are just good, old-fashioned psychological horror. Sacrifice is that rare breed of psychological horror that isn't a cheap Psycho knock-off, but a well-done, thoughtful exploration of the kind, charming peoples of rural Ireland. Honestly, if this is what rural Ireland is like, I never want to visit there. Makes backwoods psycho chainsaw murderers in the USA look like fluffy bunnies. (shudders) Acting was good, ending was even halfway decent.
The Bad and The Ugly: No nudity that I recall, unless you count the gutted bog-corpse. I wasn't fond of Sacrifice, not because it wasn't a good movie, but (small spoiler) because there weren't any actual monsters in it. If you've read my blog, you know I like monsters. Fake ones, of course. Real ones scare me. Like, big spiders. Monstrously creepy. Clowns. Creepy. Men with back hair. CREEPY. Other than that small problem, this was an excellently done psychological thriller that I wouldn't watch again, because there's no goddamn scary monster in it. You can catch it on Netflix if you like that kind of horror. Only question I have is, when police tell someone to keep their noses out of police business, why the HELL does that person ALWAYS ignore that advice? So stupid! Who does Dr. Hamilton think she is, Jessica Fletcher? This isn't "Murder, She Wrote!" Also, who the hell takes a day off work to dig a grave for their own dead horse? Ew. Leave it for the husband to find. Foolish woman. Other than that, nicely done flick. Moving on.
Last Shift (2014) is a tale, much like Assault on Precinct 13, of a police station about to be shut down. Unlike Assault on Precinct 13, the action in this particular film doesn't happen by chance. Officer Loren is a rookie cop assigned to babysit the old station until a Hazmat team can come down and dispose of the last of the evidence in the evidence locker. Unfortunately for Officer Loren, the Hazmat team is delayed, and wouldn't you know it, the police station she's in happens to be haunted. What rotten luck!
The Good: This movie wasn't bad. Decent acting, Officer Loren (Juliana Harkavy? Never heard of her) manages to carry the entire movie all by herself, with minimal assistance. Which makes her like, the Tom Hanks of horror, if Tom Hanks was completely unknown, and a woman. Special effects were reasonably effective, nothing particularly outstanding. Typical jump scares and atmospheric horror. Plot was coherent and easily followed.
The Bad, The Ugly: No nudity, which is bad, because officer Loren isn't bad looking. Still, she looks good in uniform. Ending was predictable, from about the first 5 minutes into the movie. A surprise ending would have been nice, instead, I got what I expected. Wasn't a bad ride, but like getting off a roller coaster you've already ridden 100 times. Catch Last Shift on netflix if you've a mind to.
In other news, I went out and took about a gazillion pictures of Fall foliage today. Love that smell of the crisp leaves, drying and crumbling away on the ground out there. There's still crickets out there, chirping here and there. Late July to Mid-October isn't a bad run, but I kind of feel bad for those last few males still chirping out their calls this late in the season, because they expect snow in some parts of the area this weekend. Most likely, their comforting songs will stop soon, and all that will greet me when I listen out my window will be the cold, dead silence of the long, long winter. Makes you wonder what's wrong with those poor, poor few male crickets, still trying valiantly to attract a mate, no matter how old they are, knowing there's so little time left that they could DIE AT ANY SECOND. Makes you wonder what's wrong with the females, that refused to mate with these poor determined crickets. Doesn't perseverance count for anything, anymore? Don't give up, little male crickets! Keep chirping! Don't go gently into that good night! Rage, rage against the dying of the light!
Uh... Ahem. I am in no way comparing myself to an old cricket. That's ridiculous. How silly of you to suggest such a thing. Well. That's all for tonight. Til tomorrow, then. Yea.
Monday, October 17, 2016
#17 - Contracted - Phase II (2015)
Most zombie movies, when they bother to deal with the actual outbreak at all, do so as a very brief introduction to the plague, usually flashing a few quick scenes of some poor lab technician accidentally screwing up, and dying horribly. Ten minutes into those movies, the world is a seething mass of walking dead.
Contracted: Phase II (2015) continues the story introduced in Contracted (2013), which I reviewed yesterday. Riley, who had a very brief romantic interlude with the heroine of our last movie, Samantha, is the lead in this movie. If you've watched Contracted (on Netflix), you know who Riley is. To sum things up, Riley was a bit obsessed with Samantha, and was basically stalking her. Which makes him the perfect lead for this movie, because he has all the missing details of the events of the last movie. After his fling with Samantha, he's been feeling a little... Well, the movie title just gives it all away, doesn't it?
So if you haven't figured it out yet, the Contracted movie series is not about pressing legal obligations. Each of the leads in these movies has "contracted" a disease. It's about the very beginnings of a zombie apocalypse, or as I like to call it, the Zompocalypse. Or maybe the Z-pocalypse. Or perhaps the Zombie-lips. No. No, not the zombie lips. That's just wrong. Still working on it. Hmmm. Moving on.
Contracted and Contracted: Phase II are focusing on the detailed events of Patient Zero (usually what they call the primary communicator of a plague) and the events and people around them. This is a huge difference from most movies, who focus more on the doctors trying to cure the plague, the military personnel trying to contain it, and sometimes the police. So just to give you a reference point, in your typical zombie apocalypse movie, the events of Contracted and Contracted: Phase II would have happened already, usually just before the opening credits. I can only hope they are working on a Contracted 3, because the story has only just begun.
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: Contracted is like The Hobbit, if the Hobbit was about Bilbo finding a ring, and they dragged that single event out into several movies. So, even worse than the Hobbit, but it gives you a chance to really get into the lives of the characters. You ever look at a walking, rotting corpse and go "Why do I care if that smelly old cadaver gets a bullet put in its head? I have no idea who they were when they were alive, they only exist to scare the main character until the guy gets a gun." Well, I have. The Contracted movies focus on who the zombies were before they died, and every single one of them had lives and loves, hopes and dreams, and... it's sad really. Sad to see the rotting corpses meeting their final ends. Did you know, according to legend, if you feed a zombie salt, its soul and personality are restored? So, if a zombie is ever chasing you, stock up on salt. Just make them eat it, and BLAM! No Zapocalypze. Hmmm. No. Not that one either.
No nudity, which is good, because there's not too many hot babes in Phase II. Lots of gore, and if you have an issue with maggots, then you're going to want to keep your eyes closed through half the movie. Actually they use mealworms in place of maggots, which is what they normally use for the movies. Mealworms are like potato chips for lizards, fun to eat, but no nutritional value. Also, they are a lot less icky than actual maggots, larger and easier to wrangle, and completely harmless to humans. The special effects were understated and effective, except for the voluminous amounts of blood and mealworms, which I guess are technically special effects.
My only problem with this movie was near the end, and I don't want to give anything away, so I will be vague. There's an agent investigating the goings-on from the first movie, and I don't know her origins, but her accent gets so thick during the excitement at the end, that I can barely understand her. Which is odd, because I didn't notice her having an accent during the rest of the movie. Also, her behavior seems a bit odd for a veteran agent, though I can see why they did it. Still, it's kind of out of character. If you've seen the movie, you'll know what I am talking about.
Let's hope Contracted 3 (assuming they are making one, I have no clue) is a little bit better, and continues the trend of focusing on the early stages of the Zeeclypse (nope, still not right). I can't wait to see what happens next. Not sure if I'd watch Contracted 2 again, since, you know, I've seen it and all, but it was definitely worth the initial viewing. You guys can catch it (and Contracted) on Netflix, if you want to. I highly recommend it. It's like a 3-hour Zombie Apocalypse mini-series. Uh, if that sounds like a good thing.
In other news, it's getting closer to Halloween, and horror movies are on half the channels now. AMC and TCM have them pretty regularly, and of course there's always SyFy, and Chiller, and El Rey. Of course, that's not even mentioning the premium channels. Starz has started running the second season of Ash vs Evil Dead, which, forgive me for saying so, just isn't as good as the first season. I'm pretty sure the Evil Dead movies were awesome because it was Ash vs the zombies, and he was totally on his own. Sure, having friends sort of tamps down Ash's tendency to fly off the handle, and keeps him grounded, but he's also not as entertaining. Or, maybe it's just because hes older now. Or, maybe it's because I'm older... Naaaahhhhhh. It's the sidekicks. Ash never needed them before, and I think they're cramping his style. Anyways, there's a lot of horror playing on TV, if you've a mind to watch it. Enjoy! This month only comes once a year. :-)
In other other news, I had 142 visitors to my blog yesterday. Crazy shit, since I average about half a dozen a day. Huh. Weird. That's all for tonight. Catch you tomorrow, when I will hopefully be able to find a horror movie as good as Contracted: Phase II.
Contracted: Phase II (2015) continues the story introduced in Contracted (2013), which I reviewed yesterday. Riley, who had a very brief romantic interlude with the heroine of our last movie, Samantha, is the lead in this movie. If you've watched Contracted (on Netflix), you know who Riley is. To sum things up, Riley was a bit obsessed with Samantha, and was basically stalking her. Which makes him the perfect lead for this movie, because he has all the missing details of the events of the last movie. After his fling with Samantha, he's been feeling a little... Well, the movie title just gives it all away, doesn't it?
So if you haven't figured it out yet, the Contracted movie series is not about pressing legal obligations. Each of the leads in these movies has "contracted" a disease. It's about the very beginnings of a zombie apocalypse, or as I like to call it, the Zompocalypse. Or maybe the Z-pocalypse. Or perhaps the Zombie-lips. No. No, not the zombie lips. That's just wrong. Still working on it. Hmmm. Moving on.
Contracted and Contracted: Phase II are focusing on the detailed events of Patient Zero (usually what they call the primary communicator of a plague) and the events and people around them. This is a huge difference from most movies, who focus more on the doctors trying to cure the plague, the military personnel trying to contain it, and sometimes the police. So just to give you a reference point, in your typical zombie apocalypse movie, the events of Contracted and Contracted: Phase II would have happened already, usually just before the opening credits. I can only hope they are working on a Contracted 3, because the story has only just begun.
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: Contracted is like The Hobbit, if the Hobbit was about Bilbo finding a ring, and they dragged that single event out into several movies. So, even worse than the Hobbit, but it gives you a chance to really get into the lives of the characters. You ever look at a walking, rotting corpse and go "Why do I care if that smelly old cadaver gets a bullet put in its head? I have no idea who they were when they were alive, they only exist to scare the main character until the guy gets a gun." Well, I have. The Contracted movies focus on who the zombies were before they died, and every single one of them had lives and loves, hopes and dreams, and... it's sad really. Sad to see the rotting corpses meeting their final ends. Did you know, according to legend, if you feed a zombie salt, its soul and personality are restored? So, if a zombie is ever chasing you, stock up on salt. Just make them eat it, and BLAM! No Zapocalypze. Hmmm. No. Not that one either.
No nudity, which is good, because there's not too many hot babes in Phase II. Lots of gore, and if you have an issue with maggots, then you're going to want to keep your eyes closed through half the movie. Actually they use mealworms in place of maggots, which is what they normally use for the movies. Mealworms are like potato chips for lizards, fun to eat, but no nutritional value. Also, they are a lot less icky than actual maggots, larger and easier to wrangle, and completely harmless to humans. The special effects were understated and effective, except for the voluminous amounts of blood and mealworms, which I guess are technically special effects.
My only problem with this movie was near the end, and I don't want to give anything away, so I will be vague. There's an agent investigating the goings-on from the first movie, and I don't know her origins, but her accent gets so thick during the excitement at the end, that I can barely understand her. Which is odd, because I didn't notice her having an accent during the rest of the movie. Also, her behavior seems a bit odd for a veteran agent, though I can see why they did it. Still, it's kind of out of character. If you've seen the movie, you'll know what I am talking about.
Let's hope Contracted 3 (assuming they are making one, I have no clue) is a little bit better, and continues the trend of focusing on the early stages of the Zeeclypse (nope, still not right). I can't wait to see what happens next. Not sure if I'd watch Contracted 2 again, since, you know, I've seen it and all, but it was definitely worth the initial viewing. You guys can catch it (and Contracted) on Netflix, if you want to. I highly recommend it. It's like a 3-hour Zombie Apocalypse mini-series. Uh, if that sounds like a good thing.
In other news, it's getting closer to Halloween, and horror movies are on half the channels now. AMC and TCM have them pretty regularly, and of course there's always SyFy, and Chiller, and El Rey. Of course, that's not even mentioning the premium channels. Starz has started running the second season of Ash vs Evil Dead, which, forgive me for saying so, just isn't as good as the first season. I'm pretty sure the Evil Dead movies were awesome because it was Ash vs the zombies, and he was totally on his own. Sure, having friends sort of tamps down Ash's tendency to fly off the handle, and keeps him grounded, but he's also not as entertaining. Or, maybe it's just because hes older now. Or, maybe it's because I'm older... Naaaahhhhhh. It's the sidekicks. Ash never needed them before, and I think they're cramping his style. Anyways, there's a lot of horror playing on TV, if you've a mind to watch it. Enjoy! This month only comes once a year. :-)
In other other news, I had 142 visitors to my blog yesterday. Crazy shit, since I average about half a dozen a day. Huh. Weird. That's all for tonight. Catch you tomorrow, when I will hopefully be able to find a horror movie as good as Contracted: Phase II.
#16 - Contracted (2013)
You know the fun part about trying to find things you haven't really seen before, but that might turn out to be good? Occasionally, they really are good. Like that one I saw the other night, the New Zealand one, The Dead Room. You read the synopsis, you start watching it, and at the time, you have no idea whether it's going to be awesome, shite, or somewhere in between. Most of the movies I have seen lately fall somewhere in between, but more towards the shite end of the scale.
Contracted (2013) is one I have had in my netflix queue for a while. Something, instinct, perhaps, suggested I wait until my Halloween Horror movie Review a thon to watch it, and now I am glad I did, because this is actually a pretty decent horror flick. Samantha is a lesbian waitress, to shoehorn her into an easy description, who is still desperately in love with her ex. Unfortunately, Samantha and her ex, Nikki, are on a break from the relationship, is the best way to describe it. Samantha goes to a party hosted by her friend Alice, hoping Nikki will show up, and becomes a bit depressed when Nikki doesn't. Alice manages to get Samantha drunk, hoping something will happen (Alice is also a lesbian, and looking to hook up with Samantha). Unfortunately for Alice, some dork named BJ sneaks in with an obviously-drugged drink, and spirits Samantha away to his car. Samantha is raped, but awakes the next morning in her own bed, with little to no memory of the night before. Sadly, Samantha isn't feeling all that well, and assumes she's just a bit hung over...
I don't know about you guys, but I come down with illnesses fairly frequently. You know that feeling you get, when you're starting to feel a little under the weather, and you know you're not right, but you're not sure what's wrong yet? Like, you have absolutely no idea, because the symptoms aren't the usual cold or flu ones? I can't tell you guys how many times I have had that feeling, and lucky for me, it's always turned out to be just some variety of the standard colds and flu. I often tell people I'm like a viral canary, because I'll probably be the first to go if there's ever a major outbreak of something dangerous. So far, I have usually recovered within a week or so, with a more prudent respect for whatever invading virus or bacteria that just had its wicked wicked way with me, and get on with my life. But do you know the feeling I am talking about? When you're feeling sick, but you don't know why yet?
Sam has that feeling. And having been where she is (well, sort of, I don't recall ever being raped, anyways, though i think i might have been drugged once), I immediately identified with her. So here I am, identifying with the main character, and guess what? Spoilers! Turns out she's Patient Zero! Yea, I mean, it's kind of obvious from the title and all, but I was heavily into my suspension of disbelief at that point, and I'm just going along, enjoying the movie, identifying with the main character, and I come to find that shit out! And I'm like AAAUUGH! And then I'm starting to feel like Charlie Brown just after Lucy has pulled the football away, and I kicked and missed, and I'm airborne, and just floating, waiting for the ground to come up and knock with wind out of me. Well, it does. Boy, does it!
Now, on to the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: No nudity, but it seems to come incredibly close on occasion. Special effects were minimal, and remarkably effective. Acting was decent, but I didn't recognize any of the actors except Samantha's mother. Samantha was moderately cute, until about fifteen minutes into the movie, when the effects of the virus started to be noticeable. I love how the movie begins the day count as she wake up after the rape, and then towards the end of the movie, lets you know exactly how many days are left! Awesome plot device. What could have been better about this movie? Meh, I dunno. It seemed to work pretty well. Maybe a bigger budget, but you know what? There's a Contracted 2! And I'm going to watch it on netflix tomorrow night, if at all possible. So we get to find out what happens next! Awesome sauce!
In other news, it's late, so I'll be quick. Still watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver on Sunday nights, but all he talks about is the election. Sure, that's important, I guess, but after 2 years of the god-awful political shit-show that is our 2016 presidential election, I'm SO glad it will all be over in 3 more weeks. Honestly, at this point, if Trump got elected and blew us all to hell on his first day, I'd probably thank him for not having to be around for the rest of his presidency. Because after that, it'd only get worse, much like this entire election cycle. It just keeps getting worse, and all I want is for it to be over, and to go away, and it just won't. Why do they even bother with televised debates? The candidates can just argue over Twitter from now on, and anyone who cares can just read their twitter feeds. Need to know what their platform is? Check Facebook! Now quit splashing their pasty old faces all over my TV, and let me stick my head back into the sand, and pretend everything is going to be OK.
Until tomorrow night's Contracted 2 review, when all hell probably breaks loose. Come on, you know it's coming.
Contracted (2013) is one I have had in my netflix queue for a while. Something, instinct, perhaps, suggested I wait until my Halloween Horror movie Review a thon to watch it, and now I am glad I did, because this is actually a pretty decent horror flick. Samantha is a lesbian waitress, to shoehorn her into an easy description, who is still desperately in love with her ex. Unfortunately, Samantha and her ex, Nikki, are on a break from the relationship, is the best way to describe it. Samantha goes to a party hosted by her friend Alice, hoping Nikki will show up, and becomes a bit depressed when Nikki doesn't. Alice manages to get Samantha drunk, hoping something will happen (Alice is also a lesbian, and looking to hook up with Samantha). Unfortunately for Alice, some dork named BJ sneaks in with an obviously-drugged drink, and spirits Samantha away to his car. Samantha is raped, but awakes the next morning in her own bed, with little to no memory of the night before. Sadly, Samantha isn't feeling all that well, and assumes she's just a bit hung over...
I don't know about you guys, but I come down with illnesses fairly frequently. You know that feeling you get, when you're starting to feel a little under the weather, and you know you're not right, but you're not sure what's wrong yet? Like, you have absolutely no idea, because the symptoms aren't the usual cold or flu ones? I can't tell you guys how many times I have had that feeling, and lucky for me, it's always turned out to be just some variety of the standard colds and flu. I often tell people I'm like a viral canary, because I'll probably be the first to go if there's ever a major outbreak of something dangerous. So far, I have usually recovered within a week or so, with a more prudent respect for whatever invading virus or bacteria that just had its wicked wicked way with me, and get on with my life. But do you know the feeling I am talking about? When you're feeling sick, but you don't know why yet?
Sam has that feeling. And having been where she is (well, sort of, I don't recall ever being raped, anyways, though i think i might have been drugged once), I immediately identified with her. So here I am, identifying with the main character, and guess what? Spoilers! Turns out she's Patient Zero! Yea, I mean, it's kind of obvious from the title and all, but I was heavily into my suspension of disbelief at that point, and I'm just going along, enjoying the movie, identifying with the main character, and I come to find that shit out! And I'm like AAAUUGH! And then I'm starting to feel like Charlie Brown just after Lucy has pulled the football away, and I kicked and missed, and I'm airborne, and just floating, waiting for the ground to come up and knock with wind out of me. Well, it does. Boy, does it!
Now, on to the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: No nudity, but it seems to come incredibly close on occasion. Special effects were minimal, and remarkably effective. Acting was decent, but I didn't recognize any of the actors except Samantha's mother. Samantha was moderately cute, until about fifteen minutes into the movie, when the effects of the virus started to be noticeable. I love how the movie begins the day count as she wake up after the rape, and then towards the end of the movie, lets you know exactly how many days are left! Awesome plot device. What could have been better about this movie? Meh, I dunno. It seemed to work pretty well. Maybe a bigger budget, but you know what? There's a Contracted 2! And I'm going to watch it on netflix tomorrow night, if at all possible. So we get to find out what happens next! Awesome sauce!
In other news, it's late, so I'll be quick. Still watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver on Sunday nights, but all he talks about is the election. Sure, that's important, I guess, but after 2 years of the god-awful political shit-show that is our 2016 presidential election, I'm SO glad it will all be over in 3 more weeks. Honestly, at this point, if Trump got elected and blew us all to hell on his first day, I'd probably thank him for not having to be around for the rest of his presidency. Because after that, it'd only get worse, much like this entire election cycle. It just keeps getting worse, and all I want is for it to be over, and to go away, and it just won't. Why do they even bother with televised debates? The candidates can just argue over Twitter from now on, and anyone who cares can just read their twitter feeds. Need to know what their platform is? Check Facebook! Now quit splashing their pasty old faces all over my TV, and let me stick my head back into the sand, and pretend everything is going to be OK.
Until tomorrow night's Contracted 2 review, when all hell probably breaks loose. Come on, you know it's coming.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
#14 - Suspiria (1977), #15 - Donnie Darko (2001)
Since I missed last night's post due to family stuff, I am posting twice tonight. Tonight's theme is, horror movies that aren't particularly terrifying, and ones that I don't really get. No, really. I don't get them. And I'll go into exhaustive, boring detail about it, too, so, aren't you guys lucky? :-D
Suspiria (1977) has to be one of the all-time, most beautifully made, classic horror movies that I find neither horrifying nor understandable nor entertaining. It's probably just me, because lots of people love this movie, but let's sum it up. A ballet dancer heads to Italy to study with a prestigious ballet school. She witnesses a woman running away from the school, a woman who is later found murdered. As the girl settles into her classes, odd events begin to haunt the school. What's going on? I have no earthly idea, but all hell is probably breaking loose, somewhere.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Suspiria is a classic horror movie from horror master Dario Argento, hailed as one of his first and finest. I have watched it several times now, and I really can't make heads or tails of it. I mean, I get the basic story line. Ballet dancer heads to school in foreign country, finds odd goings-on, and gets curious. I won't spoil the plot, in case you want to watch it on El Rey network (where I caught this one, and I hear they are going to play it again at some point), but I just don't know what's so special. Honestly, the only thing in this movie that remotely weirded me out was the maggots falling from the ceiling. The rest of the movie was just a bunch of weird murders and bright lights and goofy crap going on.
I guess the acting was good, but I recognized very few of the actors/actresses. Udo Kier makes an appearance, and Jessica Harper stars as Susie Bannion, the lead. The special effects were good for the time, I suppose? I don't know. I guess my biggest issue with this movie was, I couldn't identify with anyone enough to get into it, and the ballet dancer just doesn't seem to handle anything particularly well. In fact, her first day of class, she passes out, bleeding from the nose. Who does that? Bleh.
Would I watch this again? I've seen it a few times, now. I might even watch it again, but I don't seem to get much out of it. I can't really recommend it as enjoyable, but, a lot of people like this one. I got nothing. Heads or tails whether you like this one, or not. Interesting fun fact, they are remaking Suspiria, and Jessica Harper even has a role in it. The remake is due out in 2017 and is slated as being in "Pre-production" at the moment, according to IMDB.com. Moving on.
Donne Darko (2001) is another movie I have a hard time making heads or tails of. An emotionally disturbed teenager undergoing therapy, has a jet engine fall on his house. He meets a frighteningly tall and grungy-looking bunny rabbit who leads him through some weird acts of vandalism while he's sleep-walking. The rabbit tells him the world is ending in 28 days, and Donnie spends the next 28 days trying to figure out wtf the rabbit is talking about.
There's a lot of fun facts about Donne Darko. Patrick Swayze is in it. Jake Gyllenhaal plays the lead. Drew Barrymore is in it. Maggie Gyllenhaal is in it. The whole movie is set in 1988. What does it all mean? I have no idea. Is it scary? Well, the giant talking rabbit with the glowing eye is a little creepy, especially when you consider just how dirty his costume is. I don't know why that's creepy, but it is. Makes me wonder just where the hell he's been. I mean, exactly where does Frank, the giant talking bunny rabbit with the glowing eye, hang out in his spare time, when he's not telling Donnie Darko to burn down schools? Yeah. I don't know, either, but I WONDER.
Donnie Darko was on Sundance channel, if you want to watch it. I've seen it a couple times now, and like Suspiria, I can't make heads or tails of it. Maybe that's the freaky part. Maybe that's what is so scary about it. I don't know. I don't really find it very scary, but, maybe it is, and I'm just too jaded to realize it. Will I watch it again? Maybe. I'm always on the lookout for new lessons to learn in life, and I can't help but wonder if I missed the point of suspiria and Donnie Darko. So I may watch them again, just to see if I can catch what I missed. I'm not really a puzzle kind of guy, but sometimes, especially when the puzzle if a horror movie, I can't help but puzzle at it. Much like the Grinch, I tend to puzzle and puzzle until my puzzler is sore. Then I put ointment on my sore puzzler, and move on with my life.
That's all for tonight. Several more horror movies to watch yet this evening, just for kicks. :-)
Friday, October 14, 2016
#13 - Wolf (1994)
If there's one thing that symbolizes Halloween, it's Jack-o-Lanterns. And, the second thing is probably pumpkins. The third thing, maybe a full moon. Fourth, ghosts. Fifth, Skeletons. Sixth Michael Myers, seventh... okay, look, somewhere in the top 20 things that symbolize Halloween, right up there with candy bars and zombie movies, are wolves, or more specifically, Werewolves, perhaps howling at the full moon.
Wolf (1994) is the story of an old, mild-mannered senior editor named Will Randall (Jack Nicholson), who, while coming back from a trip to sign an author in Vermont, hits a large black wolf with his car. Will thinks the Wolf is dead, and while trying to pull it out of the way of his car, it bites him. The wolf runs into the woods beside the road, where a bunch of other wolves are waiting for it. Will quickly gets into his car, and drives home. The next day, Will gets fired from his job, and instead of taking it laying down, Will reacts in an unusually predatory manner. It's almost like he has been given... some part of the wolf... through the wolf's bite...
Okay! This may be one of the few horror stories I review where all hell does NOT break loose. Jack Nicholson plays the lead, Michelle Pfeiffer plays the love interest (one of the few horror movies she has done), and creepy old James Spader plays Will's protege. Christopher Plummer and David Hyde-Pierce play supporting roles as Will's boss and assistant. Jack Nicholson doesn't act anymore (his last movie was in 2010, though I haven't heard about him retiring as of yet), but I thought he did a particularly good job in this movie. This wasn't a cheap B-monster movie like many of the others I review, but a first class Hollywood blockbuster with stars in their prime. The acting was excellent across the board, and the special effects by Rick Baker involved actual make-up and prosthetics, and not a bunch of crappy CGI.
I liked Wolf. The plot was coherent, the sub-plots intriguing, and the supernatural element of the story was more of a sublime background. The end of the movie even featured an actual werewolf fight, and how often does that happen in real life? Exactly! Never! Oops, I gave away an important plot point. Oh well. This movie is 22 years old, now. I caught it on Starz Encore Suspense, so they will probably show it again at some point, if you want to watch it. Obviously I have seen it before, and it's just as good watching it a second or third time. I loved the old indian guy!
Old indian guy: "I want you to... bite me."
Will: "I'm sorry...?"
Old indian guy: "I can't ask you to.. transform me with your passion, so... I want you to honor me with your bite."
Seriously? If I had a dime for every time I've heard THAT old come-on line! :-D
In other news, I'm late with my post again. Meh. As long as I get 31 reviews done in 31 days, I'm all good. Tried to find another Christopher Lee/Peter Cushing flick to watch tonight, but the other one I DVR'd turned out to be almost as much of a dud as last's night's horror movie. Wish I had more time to just sit around and watch scary movies, but alas, real life often takes time away from the finer things! I'm grateful I have as much time as I do. :-)
I remember as a kid, I swear I couldn't have been more than 10 or 11, sitting on the front steps of my old house with my friends, and it was night. This was back in the late 70's, early 80's, and parents didn't pay much attention to their kids back then. There wasn't any of this helicopter parenting shit in those days. I left the house after breakfast, sometimes came home for dinner, and maybe went out again afterwards. So there we are, sitting on the steps, and it was probably around Halloween or something, because we were just sitting there, and I was practicing my wolf-howling. We didn't have internet back then, and the channels consisted of 2, 4, and 7, for the most part. Practicing wolf-howling was just one of the many goofy things we did to pass the time. I was pretty good at it, if I recall correctly. I nailed it so good one time, dogs started barking all over the neighborhood! I still howl at the full moon from time to time, just to keep in practice. I'm thinking of listing it on my resume, as an important job skill. Never know what will attract an employer's eye, right? Right!
Til tomorrow night, then!
Wolf (1994) is the story of an old, mild-mannered senior editor named Will Randall (Jack Nicholson), who, while coming back from a trip to sign an author in Vermont, hits a large black wolf with his car. Will thinks the Wolf is dead, and while trying to pull it out of the way of his car, it bites him. The wolf runs into the woods beside the road, where a bunch of other wolves are waiting for it. Will quickly gets into his car, and drives home. The next day, Will gets fired from his job, and instead of taking it laying down, Will reacts in an unusually predatory manner. It's almost like he has been given... some part of the wolf... through the wolf's bite...
Okay! This may be one of the few horror stories I review where all hell does NOT break loose. Jack Nicholson plays the lead, Michelle Pfeiffer plays the love interest (one of the few horror movies she has done), and creepy old James Spader plays Will's protege. Christopher Plummer and David Hyde-Pierce play supporting roles as Will's boss and assistant. Jack Nicholson doesn't act anymore (his last movie was in 2010, though I haven't heard about him retiring as of yet), but I thought he did a particularly good job in this movie. This wasn't a cheap B-monster movie like many of the others I review, but a first class Hollywood blockbuster with stars in their prime. The acting was excellent across the board, and the special effects by Rick Baker involved actual make-up and prosthetics, and not a bunch of crappy CGI.
I liked Wolf. The plot was coherent, the sub-plots intriguing, and the supernatural element of the story was more of a sublime background. The end of the movie even featured an actual werewolf fight, and how often does that happen in real life? Exactly! Never! Oops, I gave away an important plot point. Oh well. This movie is 22 years old, now. I caught it on Starz Encore Suspense, so they will probably show it again at some point, if you want to watch it. Obviously I have seen it before, and it's just as good watching it a second or third time. I loved the old indian guy!
Old indian guy: "I want you to... bite me."
Will: "I'm sorry...?"
Old indian guy: "I can't ask you to.. transform me with your passion, so... I want you to honor me with your bite."
Seriously? If I had a dime for every time I've heard THAT old come-on line! :-D
In other news, I'm late with my post again. Meh. As long as I get 31 reviews done in 31 days, I'm all good. Tried to find another Christopher Lee/Peter Cushing flick to watch tonight, but the other one I DVR'd turned out to be almost as much of a dud as last's night's horror movie. Wish I had more time to just sit around and watch scary movies, but alas, real life often takes time away from the finer things! I'm grateful I have as much time as I do. :-)
I remember as a kid, I swear I couldn't have been more than 10 or 11, sitting on the front steps of my old house with my friends, and it was night. This was back in the late 70's, early 80's, and parents didn't pay much attention to their kids back then. There wasn't any of this helicopter parenting shit in those days. I left the house after breakfast, sometimes came home for dinner, and maybe went out again afterwards. So there we are, sitting on the steps, and it was probably around Halloween or something, because we were just sitting there, and I was practicing my wolf-howling. We didn't have internet back then, and the channels consisted of 2, 4, and 7, for the most part. Practicing wolf-howling was just one of the many goofy things we did to pass the time. I was pretty good at it, if I recall correctly. I nailed it so good one time, dogs started barking all over the neighborhood! I still howl at the full moon from time to time, just to keep in practice. I'm thinking of listing it on my resume, as an important job skill. Never know what will attract an employer's eye, right? Right!
Til tomorrow night, then!
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
#12 - Scream and Scream Again (1970)
After last's night's movie turned out to be more of a comedy than a horror flick, I decided to try a different source for my movie viewing. Turner Classic Movies usually has some pretty good horror in the month of October, so I managed to DVR a couple movies from their overnight line-up.
Scream and Scream Again (1970) starts out rather slowly. There's a body found in a park, a young woman with her throat slashed, a rape victim. The police are a bit confused when the coroner reports that the victim's throat was crushed before her death, and that despite the horrendous slash wound on her throat, there was little blood at the scene. Two small puncture marks are found on the victim's wrist, and the body seems drained of blood. Then there's another victim, with precisely the same wounds! Do they have a vampire on their hands?
Okay, when I checked the information on this movie, and I saw it actually had Vincent Price, Peter Cushing AND Christopher Lee in it, I nearly splooged. I had never even heard of these three awesome actors, mostly known for their horror roles, actually starring in a movie together. Sure, Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing starred in a whole smorgasbord of Hammer Horror films together, and by all accounts were the best of friends, but add in Vincent Price? WHAT THE HELL! Surely, such a film would open a portal to Hell itself, and Hades would come striding through, probably played by Boris Karloff, with Peter Lorre traipsing along as a demon jester! I was psyched for one of the greatest, most mind-twistingly terrifying movies I had ever seen!
If only it had worked out that way. First off, and maybe a few minor spoilers to follow, Peter Cushing is actually only on-screen for about a full minute, playing an officer in some military force that looks suspiciously like the Nazis, probably before the war? They all have these red armbands with black symbols on them that don't look like Swastikas, but are probably intended to represent them. I don't know, the symbolism was lost on me. Vincent Price plays Dr. Browning, who pops up a few times in the course the hour-and-a-half movie, but is probably only on-screen for maybe 5 minutes in total. Christoper Lee probably spends less time on-screen, and plays the leader of an anti-spy network, if I'm understanding his role correctly? In any case, most of the movie follows the antics of the detectives on the "Vampire Killer" case, and the aftermath, leaving little for these three great horror actors to do.
This movie wasn't really scary, but almost a murder-mystery type thing, with the backdrop of a cold war, or maybe a political thriller? Honestly, the whole thing was so damn confusing, and while they eventually explained most of the stuff around the ending, it didn't really explain much of anything. The explanation SHOULD have been horrifying, and I get the impression that the movie-makers WANTED you to be invested in the story by then, but the movie was a little too haphazard and mish-mashed together to be completely coherent. There's a coroner who's supposed to be the hero, but he doesn't even show up until halfway through the movie, and he seems like such a characterless schleb that you wonder what the hell he's even doing. There's not much rhyme or reason to why things are done the way they are, or why people are killed, just a bunch of long and loud (and pointless) night club scenes interspersed with detectives arguing amongst themselves, and I was confused just trying to figure out what was going on.
Honestly, I'm not sure why they got these three great actors together, and then didn't have them interact more. It's like they had a crappy story that nobody in their right minds would be interested in watching, and then plopped these three guys in to do some cameos, just to make sure people watched it. Did I mention there was nudity, too? Another sure-fire way to get people (or at least guys) to watch a flick, amirite? And the nudity's not even that good, unless you like necrophilia, which I don't. The plot seems long and convoluted, and builds so slowly, I wanted to switch the movie off during the first thirty seconds. That probably should have clued me in to how bad it was going to be, but I stuck around, much to my disappointment.
So, to sum up. A disappointingly bad movie, with Vincent Price, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee doing brief cameos in an otherwise lame and unexciting plot. There's not even any supernatural elements to it, so I'm not even sure it classifies as horror. I can't recommend anyone watch this, but I caught it on Turner Classic Movies (TCM). I'm not sure when they'll play it again, but I certainly wouldn't waste my time watching it again.
In other news, did you guys know Boris Karloff's Frankenstein monster was actually the inspiration for Marvel's "the Hulk" character? Sure, they're killing him off now (Why, Marvel? WHY?), but old Greenskin actually used to be drawn as having the characteristic black-haired, flat-topped skull that the classic Frankenstein's monster used to have. Sure, they beefed him up a little, but when you think about it, aren't the two characters pretty much the same? Big, green, and strong, uncommunicative and very rage-y when cornered. The "Monster" is misunderstood, and hunted relentlessly, just because he's different. He acts out against his hunters, out of rage and frustration, because he can't get them to understand that he's not really interested in hurting anyone. Sound familiar? I could be describing Frankenstein's Monster, or the Hulk. Take your pick.
That's all for tonight, mostly because I want to get this post up before midnight. Til tomorrow night, and hopefully a better movie. I'll try to choose more carefully, next time. Something with at least a little Halloween horror in it, I hope.
Scream and Scream Again (1970) starts out rather slowly. There's a body found in a park, a young woman with her throat slashed, a rape victim. The police are a bit confused when the coroner reports that the victim's throat was crushed before her death, and that despite the horrendous slash wound on her throat, there was little blood at the scene. Two small puncture marks are found on the victim's wrist, and the body seems drained of blood. Then there's another victim, with precisely the same wounds! Do they have a vampire on their hands?
Okay, when I checked the information on this movie, and I saw it actually had Vincent Price, Peter Cushing AND Christopher Lee in it, I nearly splooged. I had never even heard of these three awesome actors, mostly known for their horror roles, actually starring in a movie together. Sure, Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing starred in a whole smorgasbord of Hammer Horror films together, and by all accounts were the best of friends, but add in Vincent Price? WHAT THE HELL! Surely, such a film would open a portal to Hell itself, and Hades would come striding through, probably played by Boris Karloff, with Peter Lorre traipsing along as a demon jester! I was psyched for one of the greatest, most mind-twistingly terrifying movies I had ever seen!
If only it had worked out that way. First off, and maybe a few minor spoilers to follow, Peter Cushing is actually only on-screen for about a full minute, playing an officer in some military force that looks suspiciously like the Nazis, probably before the war? They all have these red armbands with black symbols on them that don't look like Swastikas, but are probably intended to represent them. I don't know, the symbolism was lost on me. Vincent Price plays Dr. Browning, who pops up a few times in the course the hour-and-a-half movie, but is probably only on-screen for maybe 5 minutes in total. Christoper Lee probably spends less time on-screen, and plays the leader of an anti-spy network, if I'm understanding his role correctly? In any case, most of the movie follows the antics of the detectives on the "Vampire Killer" case, and the aftermath, leaving little for these three great horror actors to do.
This movie wasn't really scary, but almost a murder-mystery type thing, with the backdrop of a cold war, or maybe a political thriller? Honestly, the whole thing was so damn confusing, and while they eventually explained most of the stuff around the ending, it didn't really explain much of anything. The explanation SHOULD have been horrifying, and I get the impression that the movie-makers WANTED you to be invested in the story by then, but the movie was a little too haphazard and mish-mashed together to be completely coherent. There's a coroner who's supposed to be the hero, but he doesn't even show up until halfway through the movie, and he seems like such a characterless schleb that you wonder what the hell he's even doing. There's not much rhyme or reason to why things are done the way they are, or why people are killed, just a bunch of long and loud (and pointless) night club scenes interspersed with detectives arguing amongst themselves, and I was confused just trying to figure out what was going on.
Honestly, I'm not sure why they got these three great actors together, and then didn't have them interact more. It's like they had a crappy story that nobody in their right minds would be interested in watching, and then plopped these three guys in to do some cameos, just to make sure people watched it. Did I mention there was nudity, too? Another sure-fire way to get people (or at least guys) to watch a flick, amirite? And the nudity's not even that good, unless you like necrophilia, which I don't. The plot seems long and convoluted, and builds so slowly, I wanted to switch the movie off during the first thirty seconds. That probably should have clued me in to how bad it was going to be, but I stuck around, much to my disappointment.
So, to sum up. A disappointingly bad movie, with Vincent Price, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee doing brief cameos in an otherwise lame and unexciting plot. There's not even any supernatural elements to it, so I'm not even sure it classifies as horror. I can't recommend anyone watch this, but I caught it on Turner Classic Movies (TCM). I'm not sure when they'll play it again, but I certainly wouldn't waste my time watching it again.
In other news, did you guys know Boris Karloff's Frankenstein monster was actually the inspiration for Marvel's "the Hulk" character? Sure, they're killing him off now (Why, Marvel? WHY?), but old Greenskin actually used to be drawn as having the characteristic black-haired, flat-topped skull that the classic Frankenstein's monster used to have. Sure, they beefed him up a little, but when you think about it, aren't the two characters pretty much the same? Big, green, and strong, uncommunicative and very rage-y when cornered. The "Monster" is misunderstood, and hunted relentlessly, just because he's different. He acts out against his hunters, out of rage and frustration, because he can't get them to understand that he's not really interested in hurting anyone. Sound familiar? I could be describing Frankenstein's Monster, or the Hulk. Take your pick.
That's all for tonight, mostly because I want to get this post up before midnight. Til tomorrow night, and hopefully a better movie. I'll try to choose more carefully, next time. Something with at least a little Halloween horror in it, I hope.
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