I love superhero movies! Pretty sure I have seen them all. Yep. All of them. Ever. So. My opinion is not that of your average critic, no sir ree bob! Uh, if your name is Bob. And if it isn't, it's just a figure of speech. Don't go on and on about it. Hey, what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, floating in the ocean? Bob! That's right, disabled humor! Yeah. Good times.
Wonder Woman (2017) is a touching coming-of-age drama about a young Amazon girl named Diana. Diana is a princess of Thermiscrya, a small island in the Atlantic Ocean that nobody knows about, or can pronounce the name of. Thermiscrya has no men, so Diana pretty much falls for the first man she sees, a man named Steve Trevor. Steve Trevor is an American Spy, working for the British government, who stole some German chemical weapon plans. Can Diana help Steve get back to World War 1 in time to stop the Germans from killing millions of innocents, and will their budding romance blossom into something more?
Yeah, sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie of the week, doesn't it? Worst origin story, ever. The movie does get a smidgen better, though it's a very slow-starter. Gal Gadot plays Wonder Woman, and she's pretty, and the camera loves her. Chris Pine plays Steve Trevor, the scrappy love interest who looks good in a dress... uniform. Yeah. Acting was passably okay, special effects were decent. Hmmm, what else did I like about the film? The plot was, uh, vaguely understandable, I suppose? Look, I am trying hard to like this thing, and totally failing.
First off, I hate origin stories. Really hate them. It's 5 minutes of story that someone decided to drag out into 2 hours, just to set the stage for a sequel that might not ever be made, because the origin story was 2 hours of drawn-out crap. This is all Wonder Woman's origin story, and it's seriously all about WW1, when Wonder Woman actually fought the Nazis in WW2, according to the comics. Yet this one is set in WW1, and has Wonder Woman using a shield and sword to stop the germans from developing chemical weapons that will kill millions of people. I guess they were too worried about mimicking Captain America's story, where a guy named Steve Rogers uses a shield to stop the Germans from developing secret weapons that could kill millions of people... in WW2. Gee, that sounds REALLY similar! Good thing they put Wonder Woman in WW1, otherwise, these two heroes would have run into each other, and had the craziest Marvel / DC crossover since the Tunguska blast of 1908! Actually, I'm not sure what year that was, and I don't think it had anything to do with comic books. Hopefully.
Also, I am a little confused about one thing. Wonder Woman's bracelets play a HUGE part in the story, like so big I don't want to give anything away about them. But... there's absolutely no origin story for the bracelets whatsoever. Magical metal, superglued plastic, alien artifacts, gifts from the gods, where did they come from? Nobody knows! Just BAM, they're cool, so we're putting them in the movie and making them do stuff. Awesome. Thanks for that wonderful recap. I'm not even going to go into why the rest of the movie doesn't make much sense, or why Wonder Woman's a bit of a dope. Go watch it on HBO and see for yourself, if you want to. Definitely not rewatchable for me, unless you like staring at Gal Gadot. She's easy on the eyes. Moving on.
Spiderman: Homecoming (2017) is a touching coming of age drama about a geeky, awkward nerd trying to get a date for the Homecoming Dance. I'm kidding, it's totally a romantic comedy about ... a geeky nerd trying to get a date for the Homecoming dance. Yeah. Other stuff happens, but yeah, that's basically it.
Okay, about the only thing this movie got right was the origin story. "So you got bit by a radioactive spider?" "Yep." DING DING DING! ORIGIN STORY OVER! WE HAVE A WINNER! WELL DONE! Then everything just went to hell in a handbasket. Spider-man is a total joke in this movie, which is played for laughs, rather than dramatic effect. Despite having no healing ability, despite the fact that his "spider-sense" should have warned him about 99% of the time to GTFO of the way, Spider man ends up being thrown around like a super-ball, put through walls, bounced off buldings, buried under rubble, and crash-landing in a plane, and just gets up like he bumped his elbow on a doorknob. "Ow, but hey, I'm fine, where's the bad guy?" Seriously, this should have been a Spider-Pig cartoon, because there's no way even Wolverine could have survived all the shit Spider-man goes through, and not even a damned scratch! Wtf?
I'm not really sure what the people who released this movie were thinking, other than "Hey, the first reboot made three movies, the second reboot managed two, let's see if we can ruin the franchise in one movie!" "Challenge accepted!" Guys, you totally nailed it. Ruined it in one. Nicely done. Spiderman: Homecoming is on Starz if you want to watch it, and Robert Downey Jr. pops up in a few cameo appearances to try to save this movie, but I don't think even Thor could have lifted this Mjolnir-sized piece of shit off the ground. About the only bright spot in this movie is Michael Keaton, who manages to somehow elevate a third-rate super-villain wanna-be like the Vulture into a major player. If this was the Vulture's origin story, it managed a decent job, but for Spiderman, it's awful. Not watching this again if you paid me.
Damn. And I like Superhero movies! Ugh. Both DC and Marvel failed me this weekend. Oh well. Catch you guys next time I find something horrible to watch. If I was waiting for something good to watch, I might never post again. :-(